Reviews – Games
June 2006
With the World Cup upon us, Khalid Mallassi goes football crazy
Football Manager 2006 (PS 2 / Xbox/ Xbox 360/ PC)
This is the most fucking boring game EVER! I’ve seen some sad fucking games in my time but this takes the motherfucking half-time biscuit. In this sad-sack excuse for a game you play a – get this – football manager while you guide your chosen team through the trials and tribulations of modern football. Well, there’s a reason why football mangers are, like, three thousand year-old bald men in smelly sheepskins. Their life is OVER! The have nothing else to do! But, even they wouldn’t waste their fucking time with this game. Look at the screenshots. Yes, they are boring to look at, but not one-millionth of a small taste of how boooooring this game is to actually play. Don’t believe me? OK, here’s how it works; you trawl through 50 pages of text to choose your team, make transfers, train the team and then… you WATCH the game ! That’s fucking it! You WATCH the game and then it’s back to 50 more pages of text and figures. Fuck that shit!
2006 FIFA World Cup (PS2 / Xbox / Xbox 360/ PC / GC / DS)
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting fucking excited waiting for the World Cup! All the best players, all the best teams playing in the best fucking sports tournament in the motherfucking world. It’s that simple. So, here I am playing a game about the best fucking sports tournament in the motherfucking world and it’s… wrong. All fucking wrong! All the players look like the real players… IF WE WERE IN ZOMBIE WORLD! I can’t look at their weird dead eyes any more, mummy! They’re scaring me! Every time they celebrate a goal it looks like Dawn Of The fucking Dead… with kissing and everything! It almost makes me not want to score a goal. It makes me want to grab my motherfucking AK, snatch some canned goods and put holes in they domes! It’s just plain ass weird and scary. Forget Resident Evil or Silent Hill, that shit is for pussies, Try this game late at night with the lights off, you’ll be shitting your pants every time Michael Owen is jumped on by David Beckham after he’s popped one in the back of the net. Fucking terrifying! …OK, maybe it’s just me.
Sensible Soccer 2006: Coast To Coast (Xbox)
Damn! It’s back! The greatest fucking football game ever made! Fucking EVER! See, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away when I had just finished pretending to study at University I embarked on a few laid-back years of chilling… also known as being unemployed. I’m sorry, I mean I was looking for work. Anyway, while I was pretending to look for work I took whole days off to play this game with my fellow ‘job seekers’… and I do mean DAYS! Man, we lived in this game! We had tournament after fucking tournament; we edited all the player kits, their names and even their fucking hair colour. Man, we had a lot of time on our hands. Many stoned days blended into nights while we watched these little men kick the ball around the screen. And now they’ve updated this game in flashy 3D graphics and all the hair colours are present and correct. What’s it like? Who gives a fuck? I’m gonna get my smoke on, get fucked up and waste even more hours of my life on it… Of course I might not have a girlfriend or friends of any kind any more… but… I’ll still have Sensible Soccer bitches! Yeah.
Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ
