The Wild Reviews
Maverick scribbler Tim Wild reviews… things.
This month – the top five people I’ve always wanted to bump into but would probably make such a twat of myself if I did that I’d regret the experience for ages.
Stephen Fry
Not just because he’s really clever, and quite famous, and funny, but because he seems like a really nice man, doesn’t he? The kind of man that would put up with my fame-addled prattling for a good deal longer than most celebs and be polite about it too. In my head, when we meet, he’s quietly impressed with my erudition, with perhaps a wry chuckle at the obvious gaps in my reading and education, and foots the bill for an impressively expensive bottle of wine in J.Sheeky after an enjoyable evening of repartee and indiscreet celebrity anecdotes. I, having wowed the table with one last memorable zinger, finally have to make my excuses and leave.
Bye Stephen!
The Bloke From That Shitty Music Magazine I Worked For That Ripped Me Off For £500 A Few Years Back
I want to meet him for the most banal of reasons – I’d like to peel his skin off with a carpet knife and make a scarf out of it. That’s the trouble with being ripped off – it strikes deep at the heart of one’s basest desires. The particular trouble with this one is that, spectacularly stupid as he was, the chances of him having the money even if I did ever meet him again are practically nil. So what starts out as a thoroughly satisfying revenge fantasy where I serve up a dead-eyed and terrifying revenge ends with me locked up for the night after being apprehended struggling down the stairs with his battered and unsaleable Mac desktop, closely followed by a tearful and uncomprehending secretary.
A Girl I Used To Want To Shag Really Badly
Kept me up nights, that one, teasing out the hints and suggestions until I was practically psychotic with desire, before finally administering a blow job which she then refused to finish. Disappointing as this most assuredly was, it wasn’t nearly so cruel a twist as finding out that several other older, uglier men of our mutual acquaintance had received much more comprehensive treatment for considerably less work. Of course, I’ll doubtless bump into her casually one day, looking so well-dressed and nonchalantly handsome that she’ll be unable to resist throwing herself at me. This will be an offer I can then, being both happily married and slightly less susceptible to really obvious cock-teases these days, haughtily reject. It’s bound to happen.
Gordon Ramsay
This one’s a bit of a cheat, because I have met him, whilst having a private birthday dinner at one of his restaurants, and he wished me a happy birthday. So I, quite drunk, made what I though was an hilarious remark, at which point he compared me to a middle-aged Harry Potter and all my friends laughed their arses off, and I still wake up every now and again with the chef-flooring response my brain so pathetically failed to supply at the time on my sorrowful lips.
If it ever happens again, I’ll be ready.
OJ Simpson
Because there wouldn’t be any way to resist, eventually, asking. Then you’d have to leave, after not finding out.
