Reviews – Games
December 2006
Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi goes on a sweaty three day bender with some aliens, crashes some cars and introduces R Kelly to Clark Kent
Gears Of War
(Xbox 360)
See, all this waiting for presents at Christmas shit, it’s for the birds! I’m feelin’ way too balller to play that shit, son! Nah, my girl dropped an Xbox 360 on me early… cause that’s how gangsta we roll, kid. You, smell me, yo? …Yeah, that’s the smell of me when I‘ve been playing this game for three days straight without a bath… sorry ‘bout that. Gears Of War is as addictive as a motherfucker and just the kind of game to make you feel like a real man (even if you’re really a big wimp like me). You got big ass guns, big ass explosions and lots of big ass musclemen with guns standing around and chatting in a not-very-homoerotic-way (honest) while they’re not shooting the fuck out of stuff. The graphics are off the scale as you blast the enemy to chunks with your big ‘ol gun and nothing beats bitch-slapping evil aliens with a chainsaw through the head! Just, you know, as a warning, of course. That’ll teach them. Time to have a bath… after this last go… Has anyone seen my girlfriend?!?!…
Project Gotham Racing 3
(Xbox 360)
Yeah, yeah, I know this game aint new, it’s old as shit, but I just got it free with the console so fall the fuck back! Anyway, this is the MOST BORING RACING GAME EVER MADE!!! Fuck this game, it’s bullshit on a stick. It’s got lots of cars to pick from and shit, which is all well and good until you try to play the fucker. You basically start your car up, rev the engine and start flying straight down the track looking at the graphics whizz by while going “Oooooooo” and “Aaaaaah” and shit like that… then you get to the bend and… YOU’RE CRASHING INTO A FUCKING WALL LIKE A FUCKING ANIMAL!!! Fuck that! But, you ain’t no bitch so you straighten out your car and go at it again. Then… YOU CRASH AT THE NEXT FUCKING TURN!!! AND AGAIN!!! AND A- FUCKIN-GAIN!! Rinse and repeat for 2 hours to the built in bullshit house music soundtrack, and you’ll be throwing your new Xbox 360, your TV, your pets and anything in site out the fucking window in anger! Screw this game and the non-turning-round-corners horse it rode in on! AAAAAARRGGGGGHH!!
Superman Returns: The Video Game
(PS2 / Xbox / Xbox 360/ PC / PSP / Wii)
I believe I can fly… I believe I can touch the sky… I think about it every night and day… Spread my wings and fly away… I believe I can soar… see me running through that open door… If you just felt a twinge of pain there, you can’t imagine the pain I felt playing this fucking game! See, apparently I can fly. No, really! And my girl can fly… even my seven year old son can fly… compared to this lame ass game we can all fly like a motherfucker. It sucks so hard it’s fuckin’ inside-out! Superman is one of my favourite super-heroes, but in this game he’s just a big, blue fairy! He flies like a chump, fights chumps and just looks like a chump crashing into buildings when he’s supposed be, you know, SUPERMAN AND SHIT!!! Instead he looks like an idiot which makes you look like an idiot, which is just not a good look. Look up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane… no, it’s Superman flying ass-first into the bargain bin like a bitch!
(Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ)
