May 2009

Saints Row 2 (Xbox 360, PS3)

Fuck GTA IV! That’s right, let’s get that shit outta the way right up front. Yeah, Saints Row 2 is like GTA IV, except for the part where it’s not boring as fuck! I don’t wanna drive around, avoiding the police all surreptitious like… nah, I wanna drive with my seat back and my uzi hanging out the window, son! I don’t wanna take my girlfriend out bowling or playing darts or some other lame shit… I wanna be all CLACK-CLACK-CLACK, nigga!! I don’t wanna be a realistic Russian gangster.. fuck that! I wanna be a gun-totting, gold-grill-havin’, bitch-slappin, cop-killin’, ghetto-blasting bad motherfucker that will put a cap in your ass in a hot minute!!! . In other words, I wanna be a stereotype , and this joint lets me do all that and more!!! BRUK! BRUK! BRUK!!!!

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Call Of Duty: World At War (Xbox 360, PC, PS3, Wii)

This game stole my life! Well not this one, but ‘Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare’ did! It also stole my girlfriend and stole all my sleep. What, you didn’t see that shit on Crimewatch? They did a mock up of it’s face, but those things never look right so that bastard got away with it’s crime of making me play it every fuckin’ night for a year! So, now they bring out a new Call Of Duty game which is probably going to steal my cats, change the locks to my house and lock me in a cupboard somewhere where I can’t meet any real people and I only get let out on a leash to play the damn game. Hell no! That shit just ain’t happening! I’m not being sucked in again. I ain’t buying this game, no way, no how… But, I have challenged it to a knife fight in the streets to win back my life!

Left 4 Dead (Xbox 360, PC, PS3)

Look, we’ve been through this shit before: I AIN’T NO PUSSY! Okay, glad we got that shit straight from the get-go… cause this game is scarying the fuck out of me and making me scream like a little bitch!!!! It’s all about staying alive in a zombie-infested urban nightmare, and not the slow, shambling all symbolic-and-shit-type zombies either… nah, these fuckers come screaming at you faster than Usian Bolt on crack! I ain’t playin’ with you, man, I took a dump in my draws a few times I ain’t even ashamed to say… Ahem. The worst part, is you can play this shit online with three other people, all of you fighting the zombie horde at once. All of you screaming like bitches all at the same time when a gang of zombie come leaping at you. I’m telling you there ain’t no uglier sound than four grown adults screaming like little girls all at the same time. That shit will chill you to the bone. Brrrrrrrr… look, I don’t even want to talk about it, ok?!!

Singstar: ABBA (PS2, PS3)

Oh god, the pain! Make! It! Stop! Fuck Abba and their power-pop bullshit! Favoured by a billion housewives, played at a trillion hen parties and a billion-gazillion wedding parties! ABBA must die! We shouldn’t be celebrating this shit, we should round up Agnetha, Björn, Benny and the other chick for crimes against humanity at The Hague! Don’t try to tell me it’s just harmless music that’s supposed to make you feel good and shit.. nah, The Pussycat Dolls is that, these motherfuckers are pure, putrid evil. They say the Devil has all the best tunes, right? Well he’s also got all of ABBA’s shit on repeat in hell all day long while he flays skin off sinners for enternity. Kill me now!!! Please!… but, first I got to have one more shot at nailing “Money Money Money” while I’m still drunk enough….

Gears Of War 2 (Xbox 360)

Yo, the manly men are back. This game is about real men, men with massive muscles, small heads and big fucking guns!!! Yeah, this all about huge, meaty men shooting aliens and looking all manly as they do it and shouting manly things as they do it. Manly phrases like “Get back in your hole!” and “How you like that, huh?” fly about in a manly way as they plug sweaty aliens with their massive weapons. No, it’s not homoerotic in any way, got that? This is full-bloodied, manly action of the manly variety that is played by spotty teenagers in a manly fashion, so there! This game is powered by adrenaline, testosterone and is only be played with other men online or even with your buddy on your sofa. Non-red meat eating mummy’s boys need not apply. Hell no, this is manly and macho and… just plain for MEN ONLY! Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!

Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ

Filed under: Culture, Reviews - Games by Flexmaster Nylon
1 Comment »

One Response to “Reviews – Games”

1. Ali says:

   March 16, 2010 at 2:11 pm

   Once I started reading this post I couldn’t stop until I was finished, even though it wasn’t precisely what I have been looking for, was a nice read though.