June 2008

Airport

As if they weren’t already enough expensive distractions at airports, EMI have announced a partnership with Medianywhere which will enable pasty holiday makers to spunk the last of their coinage on any last minute tunes they’d forgotten to copy onto their MP3 players, meaning that any potential trauma involving an Aya Napa beach and some wanker from Croyden blasting the latest nauseating R n B hit out of his phone is no longer the nightmare we all imagined it couldn’t never not be.

Clad in a loin-cloth and with a boldness that his centurian-like name suggests, Medianywhere chief Maxim Ivanov roared “The kiosks are the next step in the future of downloading. Quick, accessible and easy to use, it is the simplest way to get digital music onto your player”.

Without wanting to upset anyone who sounds like they’re built like a Roman brick shit-house, Beatmag will take this opportunity to remind Maxim that an even simpler way to get digital music onto your player would be to either do it at home on your computer or access the internet via your mobile…

The first kiosks have opened for business at Italy’s Fiumicino airport so even if we thought this was a good idea, the opportunity to test them out is beyond us just yet. Perhaps once they’ve made it over from mainland Europe we may show a flicker of interest but for now it’s a thumbs down from Beatmag.

Miley Cyrus

The creepier side of the media industry rears it’s disturbingly ugly head once again with the news that pictures of Miley Cyrus, daughter of the ‘fruity ponytailed’ Billy-Ray, are becoming more valuable than those of Britney Spears. Since pictures of Hollywood nut-jobs with their unimaginables hanging out of their fishnets with mascara streaming down their faces are ten-a-penny, this cannot register as a shock. However the real thigh-rubbing, lip-licking, restraint order-inducing horror reveals itself more clearly when a glance at the birth cerificate of Ms achybreaky jnr shows that she’s only 15, and that the value of these pics will increase considerably if it’s of her first kiss. Aaah – isn’t that sweet?

Splash News (“The Only Site You’ll Need For Celebrity Photos”) CEO Gary Morgan is quoted as saying: “There’s a move toward all-American clean living. Everyone is looking for a moral teenager, someone they can look up to”. Mr Morgan fails to expand on this delightful scenario so lets do it for him; fast-forward five years, pay photographer to lay in a puddle and get an upskirt shot as you she gets out of a car. Justify the shots because ‘she’s in the public eye’. Let’s expand this scenario oooh-just a little bit further: The photographer is ill (karma-cancer) so instead Morgan drapes himself in the gutter, waiting. Something in a dress hops out of a Limo and a stilleto penetrates poor Gary’s eye. He’s dragged up the inevitable red carpet, and as the planets align and the world becomes a better place, justice is done as the last thing this despicable shit-head sees from his remaining eye is the hairy tackle of Pete Burns, winking at him from the skirt above.

Bats & Twats

If every we needed confirmation that an unconscious connection between humans and animals existed, then this could be it. Working on the follow up to their dreary ‘Eyes Open’ album, Snow Patrol found themselves slightly overwhelmed by the presence of some bats at their recording studio in Ireland.

‘Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, bat!’ exclaimed Gary Lightbody upon discovering one in his room whilst more of the flea ridden kid-nibblers circled outside, looking in the window and making obscene gestures with their little wings. Unfortunately Gary was saved by another member of the band opening a window and helping the bat out, halting the mission to further delay the production of an album that is as eagerly anticipated here at Beatmag as a dose of genital herpes.

Although we’re not religious here, we do call upon any potential Jesus, Buddah or Ozzy Osbourne impersonators to encourage more bats to travel in Snow Patrol’s general direction, thus stalling any future releases.

Young Knives become HerelDeduke’s wives (sort of)

As slightly likeable and nerdy as they are, there are more than a handful of folk who’d love to impale The Young Knives on a selection of distinctly rusty older knives, drill bits, dildos and sharpened traffic cones. However since the bulk of us don’t carry blades in our schoolbags and are far too busy playing ‘Grand Theft Auto’, knife-play would get in the way of actual fantasy violence and would involve shifting our fat arses out of our armchairs. A far better way to upset the geeky rocksters would be to topple them on the music battlefield and HerelDeduke has done just that: A minor victory it may be, but his winning of a recent ‘Record Of The Week’ vote on Mark Radcliffe & Stuart Maconie’s show on BBC Radio 2 bodes well for the artist, who’s album ‘Country Bumpin’ sounds not unlike a fantasy collaboration between Ian Brown, Timbaland and the Beta Band.

Having also done away with Bon Iver, The Chap and of course The Young Knives in winning 57% of the audience vote, the single ‘Shudda’ then went on to become ‘Single Of The Week’ on BBC 6 Music’s Breakfast Show.

Written and produced by up and coming producer Oliver Brown and featuring lyrics by himself as well as Lusak and Arthur Brown of ‘God of Hellfire’ fame, the new album twists and turns faster than an electric eel plugged into a scalectrix, and like all wised-up DIY artists, HerelDeduke is using his noddle and giving away a track for the gentlefolk of Beatmag to sample. Plug your ears into this tasty morsel and then check out his Myspace for more of the goodness.

HerelDeduke – ‘Shudda’ www.zshare.net/audio/12725856b440f120/

http://www.myspace.com/hereldeduke

Shudda & Country Bumpin’ are both available on Rife Records

Filed under: Culture, News by Flexmaster Nylon
2 Comments »

2 Responses to “Beatmag News”

1. Tiffany Meggers says:

   March 23, 2010 at 10:27 am

   miley cyrus is one of the best singers in the world but she does bad things too …
2. Issac Maez says:

   April 11, 2010 at 3:50 am

   wow what a interesting post , its really helpful for us
   and i saw this post on bing ill pop back to your site later today