Reviews – Games
Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi looks at the gaming highlights of 2007
GTA IV
(Xbox 360, PS3)
This is it! The game your ass has been waiting for! You can’t live without this game, dawg! Hell nah… you got to get it first day it comes out, unless you some kind of square bitch! That’s exactly what I did, yo, I rushed out to Toys R Us at 9am and waited around with bunch of other not-sad-at-all geek… er, I mean GANGSTAS! Word! We all stood there looking at the floor and shit with that mean grill that shot you that look, like “Hell no, I ain’t queuing for no motherfuckin’ video game. Nah… I’m here to buy, er, a Hot Wheels for my nephew, fool.” Yeah, you could cut the atmosphere with a big-old fuckin’ knife, son! Then the doors opened and we all ran like bastards, pushing little kids out of the way to get to the game section, where we grabbed up any copies they had then ran to the counter to pay, all while lookin’ all nonchalant and shit. Fuck yeah! Then I got the game home and… it’s the exact same game as all the other GTA games! I still can’t drive for shit, I still can’t shoot for shit and the missions are all exactly the same shit over and over! This game is for lames… glad I didn’t queue up all morning for it… shit, that would just be embarrassing, kid!
Ninja Gaiden II
(Xbox 360)
I’m one badass Ninja! There, I said it! I can swing my blades like a motherfucker and chop you legs and arms off. You, and your crew if you fuck with me. Then I can grab your arms, wave them in your face and smack the shit out of you with them, leave you standing there like that black knight in that Monty Python film all like: “It’s just a flesh wound ” and shit as you die with blood shooting out of your stumps like a motherfuckin’ BLOOD FOUNTAIN!!!! HACK, SLASH, HACK…. SPUUUUURT!!! Then, when you’re all like “This motherfucker is one bad Ninja! Maybe I really shouldn’t have insulted his stamp collection and said he was a geek,” I’ll go up-side your head with some sonic bitch-slaps that will have you weeping for your mother and then… chop your dome clean off and watch it bounce across the floor like a football. And I’ll be laughing real loud cos’ I love them violent video games and they don’t make me violent in real life! But, man, when I see you next time I’m gonna…
Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures
(PS3, Xbox, Wii, DS)
You know the drill: “No time for love, Dr Jones!” But, this is the cutest game ever! Lego men that look like Indy, Marion and Sean Connery running around and smashing each other up with whips and chains… Wait, this is coming out all wrong… That’s not what I meant to say! Anyway, you and a friend get to play as any character in any Indy film (except the new one, sadly … I liked it, so fuck you!) and solve puzzles and shit. My nine year old son, Noah loves it too. We love to play together. Well, I say “we” play, really that means he tells me what to do and orders me around. “Dad, let me do that, you’re not as good as me at this,” “No, Dad! Stand under that box so I can jump on your head and get the treasure!” “Daaaaaad, why don’t you go and make a cup of tea or something while I do this bit…” Man, we make a great team, Father and Son teaming up to… er, do Noah’s bidding! Sorry, Noah, it’s true! No, I’m not a monkey brain! Give me that controller! Who paid for this Wii anyway, huh!!!!? … “Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory… ” Just not for me! Sniff.
Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ
Awesome Post, thanks for the useful Post. I will come back soon .. Great information about ps3 hack: PS3 Hack
We had time to possess a distinctive model of jumperoo although browsing household, that’s why quickly didn’t match up! A Jungle Jumperoo could be very sound, and also over help shape makes a whole lot of bounce living room though always hanging on to that tremendously long-standing. Some other extras is the terminated livestock, that rotating cushioned automobile, and therefore the signifigant amounts regarding gadgets along the external plate for the jumperoo. You viewed all of our boy’s manual dexterity raise repeatedly as they acquired to control all of the educational baby toys.