February 2008

With the indefatigable Blackbelt Jonez

IRON MAIDEN

Over the years many a plane has hurtled into the ocean with a bundle of birds clogging up its engine. Check out Iron Maiden’s solution – put a fucking scarecrow on your tail and watch the buggers shift out of your flight path quicker than you can say ‘beak baguette’. Eco-warriors Iron Maiden are not. In fact, their PR brags that they will be flying close to 100,000 miles on their 2008 World Tour, a juvenile boast if ever there was one. How about “At least 300 virgins will be deflowered by Tommy Lee once Motley Crue hit Europe…” or “Our security managed to stamp on over 600 camera-phones pointed ever-so slightly towards Prince during his recent ‘I Wonder If They’ll Notice That My Album Is Shite Tour’ last year”?

However, not wanting to put Iron Maiden fans in a box *insert own joke here* it’s unlikely that many will boycott the tour based on environmental issues and perhaps nor should they as Bruce Dickinson reckons this mode of transport will be useful for estimating the band’s Carbon Footprint. In theory this sounds like a plan but some quick maths suggests the 87 tonnes of Carbon Dioxide their jet-setting will produce will require a fair bit of tree-planting, roll-on deodorant application and low temperature washing of the band’s sweaty jeans.

Of course this ‘story’ of a plane and it’s subsequent gas-billowing journey will create a handy distraction from the fact that there will be no new material performed either on any leg of the tour nor on the forthcoming DVD releases ‘Live After Death’ and ‘Maiden England’. Beatmag suggests the beginning of a petition to alter the image on the plane tail to picture ‘Eddie’ with writer’s block, wiping his tears with wads of cash…

www.ironmaiden.com

Does It Offend You Yeah?

Let’s leave comments about their frankly shitty name at the door and welcome the DIOYY? fellas in for a mug of tea, because whether knocking up their own tracks or remixing for the likes of Bloc Party & MUSE, the boys are coming up with the necessaries to make our ears twitch like a rottweiller in a kitten factory.

Forthcoming single ‘We Are Rockstars’ isn’t written about the inflated egos of DIOYY?. In contrast it was penned about the social networking ways of the world today – “You’re all rockstars now in a network town, there’s no place to go, to be on your own, making friends and foes, watch the network grow”.

They drop their album ‘You Have No Idea What You’re Getting Yourself Into’ on 17th March on Virgin and it’s set to be a monster. Try to ignore the predictable band-wagon leaping from the usual sources (Artrocker & NME, your flimsy crimes of professional lap-doggery will follow you to your papery graves – you’d rate a dog turd if you thought everyone would agree with you) and check the video for ‘Let’s Make Out’ (and like it).

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=X6_ubiAzoSk&feature=related

The Grid

Back in the studio after going their separate ways for 10 or so years, Richard Norris and Dave Ball have, for better or for worse, reformed The Grid. Whilst Dave had been busying himself writing, remixing and producing for the likes of Kylie, Depeche Mode and his old muckers Soft Cell, Richard had formed a couple of dodgily named dance acts The Droyds and Beyond The Wizard’s Sleeve to relative success.

Apparently rumours have been circulating about the potential reunion. In what chat-rooms and at what water-coolers these ‘rumours’ have been ‘circulating’ isn’t entirely clear but the rumours proved to be true and ‘Put Your Hands Together’ is the first single from the brand new studio album ‘Doppelganger’ due for release in April 2008.

‘Brand new’ is a key phrase here because since the quality of music previously on offer from The Grid is the intellectual equivalent of The Krankies and mastering aside, could probably be composed on the taxi journey to the press conference (with the press conference being held at the taxi rank).

It’s grim car-crash curiosity that gets this little nugget a mention on the hallowed pages of Beatmag. We’ll be watching from behind our collective sofa cushion like teens at a slasher-flick, fearing what potential hideousness The Grid can impose on our ears.

www.myspace.com/gridmusic

Clannad

We’re a cultured bunch at Beatmag. Glance at your timepiece. Go on, glance – right this very second, one of our noble soldiers may be found perusing the shelves of an antiquarian bookstore, quenching the rampant thirst for knowledge. Another of us may be flexing his brain muscles, playing multiple chess matches whilst sipping sherry from a beaker, adorned in a velvety cardigan woven by blind nuns. A fly on the wall during one of our cheese evenings may recount tales (if it could talk) of wit and wonder, accompanied by laughter only the wise and beautiful dare dispatch. Christ, we even buy our milk from Harrods, we’re so bloody brilliant. So what is the music that makes us wonderful people sway like gentle fairies in a light breeze? What magical sounds make us stop in our tracks and glance to the heavens thankfully, tears of gratitude in our eyes? Cast your ear toward the sea and hear the whisper on the waves; ‘Clannad, Clannad, Clannad’. Or perhaps not;

A more accurate appraisal of our collective talent is that we all scratch our arses in public, we play draughts on our laptops (and lose) and that we think that Edam is a ‘good, family cheese’. As for Clannad? Well, a division within our ranks may just exist… (It does, Ed. SEE HERE)

Clannad have given a unique voice to modern Irish music. They have combined a deep love of traditional strains with a bold approach to writing and recording. Their legacy is a collection of albums, touching on folk, rock, ambient, jazz and world music. Now they embark on their first UK Tour for 10 years, from March through till May. You can bet at least one of our troop will be with them, if only in spirit. The rest of us will be watching Eastenders and belching loudly.

The Miserable Rich Steal Hot Chip’s Hot Bitch

The history of the cover version has thrown up many corkers, amongst them Soft Cell (Gloria Scott’s ‘Tainted Love’), Jimi Hendrix (Dylan’s ‘All Along The Watchtower’) and Aretha Franklin, trumping Otis Redding’s ‘Respect’ and making it her own.
There have also been some right stinkers; Mcfly (murdering Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’), All Saints (completely missing the point with The Chilli Pepper’s ‘Under The Bridge’) and of course Geri Halliwell’s exemplary execution of somehow making The Weather Girl’s truly horrible ‘It’s Raining Men’ sound even worse.

The Miserable Rich tossed their car-keys into the song-swap fruit-bowl, leaving arm-in-arm with Hot Chip’s most attractive offering, ‘Over & Over’ and whisked her off for an evening of luke-warm loving. Making off with the best Hot Chip had in their harem is one thing, but returning her with a cheeky glint in her eye, and a grateful smile on her lips is quite another. It’s classy, it’s cheeky and it’s a bit fucking weird…

Available now as a free download. Either look for the Facebook group for ‘The Miserable Rich’, download from here; http://zshare.net/audio/701538495daf12

or click the link below; http://apps.facebook.com/ilike/artist/the%20miserable%20rich

Filed under: Culture, News by Flexmaster Nylon
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