Reviews – Games
February 2008
Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi looks at the gaming highlights of 2007
Halo 3
(Xbox 360)
I waited 3 years for this game! Three fucking years of waiting, playing Halo 2 online till 2 in the morning and getting fucking ‘pwned’ by 12 year-old from fucking Kentucky or Alabama or some other dumbass US backwater. So, I got Halo 3 now, bitches! It’s gonna be a whole new fucking ball of wax now! YEAH! Bring it!!! …What? …Huh? It’s happening all over again! Noooooooooooo! I’m getting my ass kicked again by some squealing 12 year-old little bitch from Kentucky! No matter how slick I think I am with my guns and all my jumping around, some motherfucker walks right up to me and blasts me with a shotgun! Again and again and again… and again!! What the fuck!?! This game sucks! All of you suck! I’m never playing again… I’ve unplugged my Xbox 360 now! Nah nah nah, you can’t hurt me any more. Who’s laughing now, huh?
Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
(PC, PS3, Xbox 360)
BOOM! PLOW! BOOM BOOM BOOOSH! KA-BLAM! KA-WOOOOOSH! ZING ZING, ZIG-A-ZIG-AH! THIS IS ONE LOUD MOTHERFUCKIN’ GAME, SON! THAT’S WHY I’M SHOUTING, DOG! CAUSE WAR AIN’T JUST HELL, YO; IT’S LOUDER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER TOO! I AIN’T PLAYIN, MAN, THERE’S MAD BULLETS FLYIN’ BY MY HEAD, CRAZY-LOUD EXPLOSINS AND SHIT TRYING TO BLOW MY ASS UP AND HELICOPTERS CRASHING INTO SHIT… A LOT!!! MAN, JUST IMAGINE IF REAL WAR WAS THIS DANGEROUS, HUH? SHEEET, NO WAY, RIGHT? PEOPLE COULD GET KILLED IN THIS SHIT, MAN! IT’S WAY TOO DANGEROUS AND STUPID TO BE DOING, RIGHT?!?! NO ONE WOULD DO THIS SHIT FOR ALMOST FIVE FUCKING YEARS IN IRAQ WHILE WE KICK BACK AND PLAY A LOUD ASS GAME ABOUT IT?! NAH, THAT’S JUST FUCKING CRAZY!!!
John Woo’s Stranglehold
(Nintendo Wii)
What the fuck is that title all about?! What’s does is even mean? This is a sequel to the classic John Woo film ‘Hard Boiled’ with my boy Chow Yun-Fat all digitized and shit with his two-guns-blazing-and-shit. But, that title is ill! Is this a game for people that want to get all kinky with Mr. Woo? It’s all wrong! He’s only, like, only 4 foot nothing and shit! He’d have to jump up on a box while you wait for him so he can get his stranglehold on you! What the fuck?!?! Anyway, this game kicks (or strangles!) all kind of ass! You can shoot anything, you can jump around and shoot anyone at the same time and even slide down the stairs while capping motherfuckers! All while gangs of white doves flap around you and make you look all mean and deep and shit. And you can blow up everything in your way… including melons, which is always a good look. Ain’t no strangling in it though…
PES 2008 (Pro Evolution Soccer 7)
(DS, Wii , PC, PS2, PS3, PSP, Xbox 360)
No it ain’t Dawn Of The Dead on a football pitch again. The game is the same old shit, nothing’s changed, it looks like the same shit you paid £50 for last year. The Zombie-eyed computer players on the screen ain’t what’s offending me this time. Hell no! This time it’s the fucking music on the menus! That is the worst euro-house / trance-rave bullshit I’ve ever heard! It sucks a nut for real! It’s so offensive to my ears that I want to actually pick up a REAL ball and kick it straight into the motherfuckin’ TV just to kill that shit forever! Oh, shit… the pain! I can’t get it out of my head. It hurts too much! I hate the deaf fucker who composed the music, I hate the assholes that played it and I’ve got a special bullet for the people that actually let the game go out like this! Who says video games don’t cause violence in real life? The do! When the music sends you fuckin’ postal like this, they do! Aaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!
Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ
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