Reviews – Games
July 2007
With Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi
Def Jam: Icon
(Xbox 360 / PS3)
Def Jam: Icon
(Xbox 360 / PS3)
Yo, streets is watchin’, son! See being as I’m a successful rapper and shit; when I ain’t stacking my papers, sitting pretty in my crib on the hill or generally staying as far away from the ‘hood that made my ass rich in the first place, I like nothing better than whuppin’ another over-paid, so-called gangsta rappers ass, yo! That what this game is all about, partner! Us rappers is as tough as we say we are in our music, son! And we gets to go toe-to-toe like motherfuckin’ Tekken in this one, yo. Yeah, that’s right, niggas: this way I can keep it real by smackin’ Luda or that Andre 3000’s bitch ass up, then pick up the 26 inch rims off my new Silver Shadow and BEAT HIS ASS SOME MORE!!! Sheeeet, I could do this all day, yo! This is just how I’m livin’, son! This is how all black people be livin’, for real! Hell yeah! All we wanna do is scrap on the streets over some niggas disrespectin’ on us, son! You got to rep it to the death of you. So if this shit happens on the street (where us real rappers still visit sometimes), then you know the drill – show no motherfuckin’ mercy! Stomp that nigga the fuck out, yo!!!!
Command & Conquer: Tiberium Wars
(PC / Xbox 360)
Oh, lord, this is jut too easy! I’m the motherfucking Commander, bitches! I command all these little, itty-bitty troops in their little, itty-bitty planes and tanks, and I tell them where to go and whose ass to kick! And what they do is they run over there and fight other little men in tanks and planes and I can hear them all screaming as they die in a hail of bullets and missiles! It’s just so fucking cool!!! Now I know what it must be like to be some important motherfucker who runs the world and holds the lives of thousands of troops in my motherfucking hand! I can send my dumbass troops into any country I want, fuck the UN or any of those pussies! I can take a country over just by kicking its ass, and if my troops get killed, who gives a fuck, I’ll just press a button and I get new ones instantly. Then when we win, we’ll plant our fucking flag in the scorched earth and tell the people that they’re free at last and they will love us for it. Then we’ll take their oil, their riches and destroy their infrastructure and retire to a nice safe fortress in the middle of their country. And they’ll blow the shit out of each other while we laugh and play cards and shit. Shame this can’t happen in real life. That would so RULE!!!
Worms
(Xbox 360 Live Arcade)
Let’s get something fucking straight before we kick this shit off. See, I’d never played Worms before – I’m too old for that shit. You control some cute army worms that throw grenades at each other and shit, and generally kill each other a lot. But, my girl was all like “Let’s download Worms from Xbox Live, it’s awesome, you’ll love it, baby.” And I was all like, “Ok.” So then we’re like, playing the game and she was all like BOOM BOOM BOOM, blowing my worms up and shit and I was all like, “Ouch, stop blowing my worms up. How do you play this stupid game anyway?” But, she wouldn’t listen, she was all like “Take that! Boom! Ha ha, another one of your worms is dead, bitch.” …Soon, I was like, “Fuck this stupid game is stupid and I hate it, ” and she was still like, “In you face, bitch! Take it like a man, punk!” After about 3 hours of getting my ass whipped, I was like. “I’m really tired now, baby, shall we go to bed now?” And she was all like… “Pussy!” This game sucks, don’t play it with your girlfriend.
Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ
