The Wild Reviews
April 2007
Maverick scribbler Tim Wild reviews… things
This month – Top 5 Rejected Top 5s
Top 5 Albums I’m Supposed To Know About But Don’t
While the list of seminal, world-changing albums I’ve never heard is certainly of an impressive length, this idea bit the dust fairly quickly. I’d made all my limp jokes about musical bores (real ale, Taliban-style denunciations of people who don’t treat their vinyl properly etc) within the first three sentences, then I realised that apart from ‘Blood on the Tracks’ by Dylan, I don’t even know the names of most of the albums I’m vaguely guessing other people regard as classics. I mean, I’m fairly sure there’s one by MC5, and one by the Stooges, perhaps a Bowie or two, but the idea of looking them up on the web just so I could make poor jokes about not knowing anything about them seemed stupid, so I stopped.
Top 5 Things I Do To Avoid Work
Again, this initially seemed like a rich comic vein, and one likely to resonate strongly with you. After all, here you are on this website about dangerously alternative music, with its seditious take on modern media and irreverent interviews. An article about slacking off? Yeah, motherfucker! Stick it to the man! And so on. However, as I congratulated myself on this stroke of journalistic flair, it dawned on me that the things I do to avoid work are just the same as everyone else’s, and that five hundred words on daytime masturbation, computer games and making unnecessary sandwiches is really more of a Loaded thing anyway.
Top 5 Moments Which Were Supposed To Be Great But Weren’t
I thought I had a good start with losing my virginity of course, or attempting to, but it’s fairly shite for everyone, right? Or so I’ve chosen to believe. After that, I couldn’t really think of any classically life-changing moments I’ve had that haven’t been quite good – meeting my missus, proposing to her and then becoming a Dad have all been pretty great, all things considered. Then I was going to pretend that those moments had actually been a bit disappointing to make the whole thing a bit funnier, but then I started worrying that:
A) My missus would read it and think I was a bastard; and
B) I might be incapable of writing anything halfway funny without exploiting the few precious moments I’ve experienced in my life for cheap laughs
Which killed off the whole idea, and my mood for the rest of the day.
The Top 5 People I Really Hate
This one was a really shit idea, because all I really wanted to do was lay into Gillian McKeith off ‘You Are What You Eat’. I spent a good twenty minutes shouting at the television earlier this week as the skinny, malevolent fishwife reduced otherwise pleasant people into submissive toddlers with her cackling cavalcade of anti-fun horrors, so I thought it’s be a really good start to the column. But as far as targets for satire go she’s about as dangerous as an episode of ‘Murder She Wrote’, and I also started wondering if the whole thing’s just a sophisticated media construct deliberately designed to raise my lazy televisual ire, and that if I ever tried to criticise her like that in real life she’d just give me a withering look before lighting a fag and dispatching a flunky to McDonalds. I should probably watch less television.
The Top 5 Reasons For Not Doing This Column At All
The worst idea of them all, because there’s only one reason, which is that I don’t get paid. Passes the time though eh? Christ.
The information presented is top notch. I’ve been doing some research on the topic and this post answered several questions.