December 2006

With the one and only Blackbelt Jonez

Air Pocket

Air are set to release ‘Pocket Symphony’ in March 2007, their follow up to ‘Talkie Walkie’ which sold 800,000 copies. Recorded over the past 18 months with long time producer Nigel Godrich, the album features vocals from Jarvis Cocker and Neil Hannon (Divine Comedy) as well as the Air boys themselves. The PR material for the album says, “Air once again achieve that rare supernova of artistic vision that dares to reconcile palpable, unapologetic ambience with unpretentious soulful simplicity”. Fair enough. To make things plain and simple for the laymen, we say “It’s Air. It’s gonna be good. Buy it”.

Pontins Holidays Go Dub-Step

Ah Pontin’s. For many the mere mention of the name should inspire memories of days gone by, of schedule driven holidays for the kids, directed by brightly dressed social outcasts whilst mum and dad get drunk on gin by the pool and bask in the grey hue of an English summer. However those days are long gone, and what remains of the traditional holiday camp has been put to good use of late, most recently by Dedbeat.

This year it’s the turn of BLOC to freshen up the usual proceedings with BLOC WEEKEND at Pontin’s Holiday Park, Gt Yarmouth on 23rd – 27th March 2007.
There are three Arenas: The BassBloc Arena with an emphasis on dub-step, jungle and ravecore, hence acts such as Congo Natty (AKA Rebel MC), Urban Dub, Iration Steppas DJS and Technical Itch. Arena 2 is The TecBloc with some of the more established names in tough dance music such as Luke Slater, CJ Bolland, Billy Nasty and DMX Krew. Finally, Arena 3 is The SmashBloc providing 24 hours of heavy arse -shaking from independent record labels and party crew residents like Kansas City Prophets, Mat Carter from Varial Records, Bola, Kelpe, Rebel Intelligence and Computer Controlled DJs as well as BLOC residents Joe Hart, Disco Dave, Symmetrik and Georgie Skull. Full listings and ticket info available on www.blocweekend.com.

The three day party will house 2200 gurners in private apartments with all mod cons which is nice, although how anyone with a gutful of speed is going to put the kitchen to use is anyone’s guess. The site is two hours drive from London and five mins walk from the protected Norfolk coastline so if you fancy a stroll when you can’t get to sleep after 24 hours chewing your face off take some nice walking shoes and some spare socks. Oh, and don’t shit on the beach, it’s protected by farmers with lazers and electric dogs on springs.

Don’t Panic, It’s Jamie T

You know you’ve made it big when people use your MySpace comments board as an advert forum to big themselves up and plaster flyers for their own upcoming nights all over it, hoping to hijack your adoring fan-base and hoodwink them into following like lost puppies. Measuring success in this format is unreliable because it gives the impression that Jamie T is already halfway to retirement. The reality is that despite his considerable popularity he’s yet to release an album but just in the nick of time his debut, ‘Panic Prevention’, is being released on 29th Jan 2007. The album promises to offer the listener a trip into Jamie’s chaotic blurry, boozy world that’s fuelled by plenty of Stella and non prescription pills. Not massively different to the lifestyle of many of his intended audience but the difference is Jamie T is talented enough to articulate his experience when the hangover is knocking at the door. Look out for a sponsorship with Gaviscon soon.

New Year’s Eve – Get Down In London Town

Maybe this year it’ll be wicked? Maybe this year it’ll be different? Maybe this year you won’t spend a weeks wages in a night and feel ripped off? Bollocks! It’s New Year’s Eve and it’s gonna be the same as all of the other ones so get over it. People only moan about New Year’s Eve because of their ridiculously high expectations based purely on what page of the calendar a certain day falls. Here’s a tip; treat New Year’s like a Saturday night and get on with it. If you’re not fifteen anymore you won’t get random midnight snogs by gothic birds, but fuck it, 99% of the people you’ll encounter are up for a laugh. If you’re going to bother everyone moaning how it’s all a big con, just stay in doors with your ‘Scrubs’ box-set and gorge yourself on Quality Street and greying turkey. For those, on the other hand, who are up for it you could do worse than go to Together at Turnmills (London, UK). Their music isn’t what it used to be but headliners The Chemical Brothers rarely fail to perform whether DJing or knob-twiddling and with support from Cagedbaby and Justin Robertson you should have something to talk about on the long, wet walk home. There’s also HeatNYE at Brixton Academy (London, UK) which is a bit more of a hands-in-the-air affair. Tall Pall headlines alongside Rob Tissera and the creatively named Gavyn Mytchell. When the big hand touches the little hand (like in Michael Jackson’s house) there will be fireworks of sorts with a midnight pyrotechnic show. Go dressed as a nun to either and receive absolutely no discount whatsoever. You may pull, you may get punched in the face but at least it’ll be less predictable than usual. And you’ll look pretty. Go to club websites for ticket info and for heaven’s sake enjoy it.

Pharrell Williams Live

The contrasting combo of cockiness and littleness hits the UK for a swift 3 date tour this Dec. The undoubtedly talented Pharrell Williams of The Neptunes will be cantering around stages in Manchester, Glasgow and London singing, rapping and maybe yodelling for the festive season. The gigs start early (7pm. 1900 hrs to those of you in the army) so if like many other US hip hop/urban acts he won’t do more than 40 minutes you’ll be able to do some Christmas shopping as well. Tickets are about £30 so take your binoculars to get your money’s worth or you could be clapping at the sound man. Or a wasp.

Bryan Ferry – Tour

Bryan Ferry has announced he’ll be touring this Spring, playing in “intimate theatres” across the UK. This could mean that he’ll be shrunk down to the size of a mouse and released into the woods to play in a ‘Wind In The Willows’-style clearing, performing for voles, squirrels and other furry little fellows. It may also mean that by going to one of the “intimate” gigs you are supposed to feel special. “You have been chosen by the Ferryman” he might say, and point at you. If you do have a low self-esteem, pop along to see Bryan at one of his many shows starting in March 2007. He may be about 70 now but we’re sure it’ll be great. If not you could just buy his new album released on March 5th. Or even better, just listen to Roxy Music.

Novelty Records My Arse!

Leaves are falling. The birds are flying south and the UK temperature has dropped to somewhere between ‘a-bit-cold’ to ‘better-wear-a-coat’ (thanks Global Warming… no, really). Slick and sickly adverts are all over the telly and parents nationwide are bricking it. See the snow. Hear the bells ring: “Christmas is coming, Christmas is coming”. Wait! Those aren’t bells, run for it. It’s this years’ offering of novelty Christmas records just in time to make our ears bleed Rudolph’s nose red. And that’s not snow, it’s the cocaine that made this seem like such a good idea in the first place on some awards ceremony piss up in the summer.
For those too impatient to wait for British TV’s ‘The Royle Family Christmas Special’ , Ricky Tomlinson has graciously dragged his alter ego Jim Royle into the recording studio to give us ‘Christmas my A*se!’, a “fun musical romp through the things that define Christmas for most of us”. Released on December 4th, it also has a Karaoke version in case you’re worried that your neighbors are undecided as to whether you’re a wanker or not and you’d like to help them decide. For the record, we like ‘The Royle Family’, it’s just that this song is the heartbreaking equivalent to Stevie Wonder appearing (and singing) on the ‘Wild Wild West’ video with Will Smith. Is nothing sacred? Apparently not.

Return of the Randy.

It’s unclear if the Ying and Yang of the Ying Yang Twins represent the earth’s balance between testosterone and oestrogen but we’d wager it’s unlikely and a little more one sided than that. Some sing from the heart. Some from deep within their soul. The Ying Yang Twins from their pants. Their fifth Album ‘Chemically Imbalanced’ is released in January and promises to be a hit with anyone who’d like to go to a strip club but can’t leave the house. “You go to the strip club, you see what you like and you are able to drink,” said rapper D-Roc’s enigmatically… we’re still unsure what his point is. The Ying Yang Twins are for those that like their 808 beats from the old skool and their lyrics from the Benny Hill school. Producer Wyclef (of The Fugees) told the boys to “never use someone else’s formula for your success”. That’s Wyclef. Of The Fugees. Remind us again how you built your castle Wyclef…

Andy Williams 2007 Thaw Tour

Andy Williams is the king of cool according to some sources. He does appear to have been cryogenically frozen so perhaps, like Han Solo, he’s then tipped out on to the floor in front of metaphorical Jabbas every Christmas to perform some of those silky smooth jazz numbers of his. Rather presumptuously, dates have been announced for a UK Tour in June 2007. Andy’s no spring chicken, in fact he’s entering his 204th year and it shows. He looks like a hybrid of The Golden Girls and is a bit slow on his feet but fortunately he’s been fitted with a wheel so he can zip around at speed wooing pensioners and stealing denture glue.

Crazy Frog’s Last Christmas (We Hope)

Massive eyes and generally a bit weird looking. A danger to other road users. Likely to scatter spawn at any given location. The parallels between the Crazy Frog and George Michael are unerring but apparently no coincidence. George narrowly missed the Top 10 recently, his duet with Mutya (ex Sugarbabes) entering the charts at Number 15. Rumors that both of them appearing in the video unmasked affected the sales are as yet unconfirmed but it probably didn’t help. However, George may still make it to the top of the charts because the Crazy Frog will be singing/croaking the old favorite ‘Last Christmas’ which originally peaked at Number 2 in 1984 for Wham. Released on 11th December, you know what to expect. Submerging your radio in egg nog won’t help because there’s a video and even if you paint your television black, Mick Jagger-style, there will be a ring-tone too. On the positive side, this will enable you to justify hating kids on buses without feeling like a miserable pensioner.

Filed under: Culture, News by Flexmaster Nylon
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