November 2006

Beatmag Games guru thrashes Husky Rescue at cyber-golf, chops up a Lego Jawa and tells the truth, even when he lies.

Tiger Woods PGA Tour ‘07
(PC / PS2 / PSP / Xbox360 / Xbox)

Oh man, this game is embarrassing! Not for me, of course, but for all the chumps that dare step to me with all that “I know how to play golf a little bit” shit! Yeah, they get served in this game like the bitches they are! My first victim, who shall remain nameless (it was my brother Amr Mallassi – two As, two, Ss and two Ls) got beat down HARD! Two rounds of humiliation and brutal defeat, all set to some wack tunes and beautiful picturesque golf course. He went off cryin’ like a pussy! Next up, one of the bands on my label, Husky Rescue came all the way from Finland to get they asses wupped! Yeah, they made up some shit about coming here for a UK tour… Bullshit! They came to test me on the golf course. SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! They all got bitchslapped and left crying into their mullets. So, what have we learnt, kids? That’s right, don’t fuck with me on Tiger Woods PGA Tour ’07. Class dismissed.

Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy
(PS2 / Xbox / Xbox 360/ PC / GC / DS)

Uncle George is back to steal more of our motherfuckin’ money! And this time he’s bringin the force of the mighty Lego empire with him… again! But… stop the fuckin’ press! This game is actually petty hot, so we’ll let George get a little richer just this once. You can be any of the characters from the first three Star Wars films… you know the good ones, not those bullshit Prequels! No Jar-Jar Bitch here… uh uh, not on my my fuckin’ watch! You can be Luke, Han, Darth or whatever (you can be Lando though, dog, I ain’t fuckin’ with that fool!) as long as you’re a Lego version. There’s no better feeling than slicing a lego Jawa to pieces with your Lego lightsaber or throwing C3-PO slightly-effeminate ass across the room with your Lego force power… believe me! The Force is strong with this one… or some shit like that.

Scarface: The World Is Yours
(PS2 / Xbox / Xbox 360/ PC /)

I told you a long time ago, you fuckin’ monkey not to fuck me, and don’t make any more film tie-ins, mun! Well you stupid fuck, look at you now, huh, you makin’ these fuckin’ hasser games that don’t fly straight. Jou wanna waste my time? Okay. I play this fuckin’ game for fun, mun! You put players into this game, to be like me, but they can’t be like me, mun! I’m Tony Montana! You fuck wit me, you fuckin’ wit da best! Eh, fuck you, man! Who put this thing together? Me, that’s who! Who do I trust? Me! I bury those cock-a-roaches. The world is mine! Why don’t jou try stickin’ jou computer up jour ass — see if it fits. Me, I always tell the truth–even when I lie. So say goodnight to the bad guy. Come on; the last time you gonna see a bad guy like this, let me tell ya. Come on, make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through; you better get outta his way! Say ‘ello to my little friend! …

(Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ)

Filed under: Culture, Reviews - Games by Flexmaster Nylon
5 Comments »

5 Responses to “Reeviews – Games”

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