The Wild Reviews
Maverick scribbler Tim Wild reviews… things.
This month – the top five people who must die if humanity is to make any progress at all
My Neighbour
I’m talking about the bearded (but strangely unmoustachioed) Serbian bloke who lives a few doors down the road and whose fucking kids run about in the street with their crappy broken toys screaming their little heads off at all hours of the night when all I’m trying to do is get the baby to sleep and catch a bit of ‘Desperate Housewives’ whilst simultaneously drowning myself in Jacobs Creek and hoping to exchange a civilised word with my intended wife before she falls asleep on my lap. The revolution’s coming, and he’s first.
The next person who tries to talk to me in a lift
That rush of panic you feel when trapped in a confined space with another human? That desperate sinking feeling that you can only plug with one-liners so banal they make me want to turn my head inside out with a fork and smear the resulting mess into a crude yet devastatingly poignant tableau of trauma? I don’t feel it. So don’t fucking talk to me. PS – That goes for urinals too.
People who say ‘I know you’re not likely to get the chance, but if you did get offered sex by Cameron Diaz, would you say ‘Yes’?’
What exactly are conversations like that supposed to achieve? My leisure time’s a precious commodity these days. I do not want to waste it in the company of people whose sole topic of conversation is which Hollywood actresses/bints off Hollyoaks/Zoo models the would poke (and how they would do it) in the stratospherically unlikely event that such an opportunity were ever to arise.
The fat bloke in a Burton suit giving a pep talk to his Budweiser promotional team in a dingy Dundee hotel at eight in the morning the other week.
And I quote: “I’m disgusted with you all. This isn’t a game. If you don’t care about this company, if you don’t want to succeed, than there’s the door. I haven’t got time for people that don’t want to succeed. I haven’t got time for LOSERS. So when you’re out there today I want every single one of you – that means you too, Jason -(withering glance to unshaven bored man in corner) to give 110% That’s ONE HUNDRED AND TEN PERCENT. Forget about your coffee – the minibus is here. Just get on with it.”
General Pinochet
What a bastard, eh? Honestly.
