August 2006

Khalid Mallassi discovers gamers’ crack, fights for the US flag and has a snooze courtsey of Dan Brown

Half-Life 2: Episode 1
(PC)

Let’s not waste any more time; this is the sequel to the BEST GAME OF ALL FUCKING TIME! You know, the one where you play as some ginger geek who has to save the world from some pesky evil, alien types. So, of course, this sequel has got to be even better, right? Fuckin-A right it is! See, when ‘Half-Life 2’ ended I felt like throwing my controller at the screen in disgust. I felt empty, alone and cheated. What do you mean the screen just freezes? What’s with all this “To Be Continued” shit!?! So they bring out the next parts of the story as separate ‘Episodes”’ and charge your ass £20 for each one as they come out. Like it was Crack or something? What’s next, your going to walking down the alley when some guy shouts, “Pssst. I got ‘Half-Life Episode 4’ right here, buddy. You know you want it…”???? Whatever, I’m sitting here in my boxer shorts, just spent 20 hours straight on this fucker and… “To Be Continued!” Fuck it! …I need another hit.

Full Spectrum Warrior: Ten Hammers
(PS2 / Xbox / Xbox 360/ PC / GC / DS)

Now listen up, soldier. You’re in the army now! You’re the U.S. Army, the best goddam army in the goddam World, defending the best goddam country on God’s green earth. You will live for the army, you will fight for the army and you will die for the flag. But, you won’t die in this game. No, Sir. In this game you will be a goddam U.S. Marine or a kick-ass, hoo haa U.S. Ranger on the glorious modern field of battle! You will use all the latest tactics to smack the taste out of the mouths of those pesky insurgents in Iraq and Afganistan! But, you won’t do it alone, hell no! You will have your squad with you at all goddam times. They will be your eyes and your ears and they will never stop fighting til they fight is done… or get hurt… at all. Cause they got the power of God at their back, and God loves Americans. And the power of God will be manifested in the most powerful array of military hardware known to man! This game is based on real life combat and we all know that America always wins and kicks ass and takes names. Exactly.

The Da Vinci Code: Official Game Of The Movie
(PS2 / Xbox / Xbox 360/ PC / GC / DS)

The Da Vinci Code is the game based… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Huh? What? Oh sorry, like I was saying, this is the official gam- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Oh, oh, sorry about that, must have dozed off. Don’t understand it, I’ve had a relaxing weekend playing The Da Vinci Code game so there’s no reason I should be tired at all. Anwway… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. Oh shit, drifted off again. Sorrry, I was trying to solve the puzzle where… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… What? Luckily the cats woke me up by licking my face while I crashed on the living room floor playing The Da… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Wait! Wait Wait! This is supposed to be a game, right? You’re supposed to do something in it, right? You’re not just supposed to do… nothing! Nothing. At. All. Except maybe watch bad computer actors talk to each other about the secret of the The Da Vinci… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I’d rather watch fucking Countdown or Gardners Weekly! Fuck it, this game is bullshit and it’s the best cure for insomnia ever created. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ

Filed under: Culture, Reviews - Games by Flexmaster Nylon
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