June 2006

Crocodile Rock

Following a 29 year search, Elvis Presley’s pet Galapagos turtle Waldo has finally been located in a deserted wholesale bathroom warehouse in Esher. Randy Partook from Arizona, who has devoted his life since the age of seventeen to the hunt for Waldo, eventually located the turtle on May 28th following a tip off from some itinerant seagulls. He told reporters, “Elvis wanted Waldo to be his heir and to tour on his behalf after his death. Finding this shelled mammal is a dream come true for fans of the King.” Presley’s estate has long dreaded this moment as Waldo is one of the few in a position to contest the singer’s posthumous business empire. Waldo is thought to have retreated to Surrey, UK, to avoid the limelight following his owner’s death in 1977. He has now agreed to a short season in Las Vegas.

Bedingfield Hits Bottom

Daniel Bedingfield has announced that his new album is a triple CD based around the need for healthy bio-degradable toilet paper. Entitled ‘Arse-Leaves’, the album is a break away from Bedingfield’s usual watered down garage-soul template and was recorded in LA with Metallica producer Bob Rock and Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. Two songs were aired on LA’s K-Rock FM station at the end of May and have been widely bootlegged. One is the opening single ‘It’s All Gone Izal’ and the other a nine minute theremin instrumental, the title of which is unknown. Bedingfield has confirmed a released date of September 14th and released a brief statement saying, “The smallest room in the house is one place we can all make a contribution to environmental concerns and world health. Peace. Out.”

World Cup

International Football Authorities were shocked to find that one of the countries through to the World Cup in Germany does not exist. Melotania, who are in Group E, are lined up to play games with Italy, Ghana and the USA but officials have now blown the whistle on their identity. It turns out that the Melotania team are a group of scaffolders from Lincoln, UK, Saturday morning footballers who made their way through the qualifying rounds by beating Canada, St Lucia and Norway. They succeeded in convincing the World Cup’s governing body that they represented an obscure Baltic State. It’s not yet known whether they will be allowed to continue their World Cup run but Melotania captain Berry Wizzle fears they may have to pull out in any case “because half the team have a big job in the Blackburn area come Wednesday next”.

The vinyard owned by black metal originators Venom has had a boom year and will be selling off large quantities of its claret ‘Black Harvest’ at auction on behalf their favourite charity, the Federated Children’s Trust of Satan

DJ-producer Armand Van Helden is to star in an HBO remake of the classic ’30s romance ‘Brief Encounter’ opposite Billie Piper

‘80s electro-funker Colonel Abrahams (of ‘Trapped’ fame) been asked by the United Nations to mediate in the Colombian civil war.

Manchester’s iconic nightclub, The Hacienda, which closed in 1997, has been spotted by astronomers back in business in the star system Metabelis VI.

Leading Croatian theologians have finally located paradise by the dashboard light, finally proving correct the theory first posited by Meatloaf almost thirty years ago.

NB: All the above information should be regarded with excessive skepticism due to its fallacious nature.

Filed under: Culture, News by Flexmaster Nylon
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