July 2009

50 Cent: Blood On The Sand (Xbox 360, PS3)

Nah, I don’t give a FUCK, if this game be old as dirt! I couldn’t just let my nigga Fiddy drop some new game knowledge without spittin’ ‘bout that shit, yo! My nigga done it again, yo! He’s a prophet and an ambassador for the world, and shit…. And this game proves it! See some Arab bitch done stole Fiddy’s jewel-incrusted Human Skull (I hate when that shit happens!) and now Fif, and G-Unit (remember them niggas? Nah, me neither) are gonna go put a cap in his punk ass, and get it back by blasting every motherfucker in the Middle East into rubble, ya heard!?? They got the big burners, and they be shouting shit like “Fuck yeah!” and “G-g-g-g-unit, Nigga” while they shoot through schools and old people’s homes to get that fuckin’ skull back! You thought now that we got Obama in the White House that niggas were gonna change up and get on some righteous shit?? Hells to the no, son. Fif is gone keep shit as ignorant, as the last 8 years. BRUP BRUP BRUP!!!

Streetfighter IV (Xbox 360, PC, PS3, Wii)

You know how when you were a kid you’d somehow be kicked in the nuts like every week, or something? A normal day could start with your nuts not even under threat at all, just hanging low and all relaxed, then something would kick off and you’d get a swift kick in the goollies by some girl, or someone might just graze your nuts by mistake with their fist? The result was always the same: Pain! Well, now that your older, can you remember the last time you were kicked in the nuts? Nah, didn’t think so, that just doesn’t happen as you get older, does it? WELL, IT DOES WHEN YOU BUY THIS GAME!! You’ll feel like someone just Bruce Lee’d your balls, as you try to control the ugly looking characters, you’ll feel like Ronaldo just took a free kick with your family jewels, as you keep getting whipped, and you’ll feel like MC Hammer did his big trouser dance on your peanuts after you realise you just paid £40 for this shit! Save yourself the pain, don’t even go there, watch the film again instead… it’s less painful.

Afro Samurai (Xbox 360, PS3)

Bet you didn’t now this show was based on a true story, right? No? Well it’s true, every word of it. Verily, there was an African-American Samurai in feudal Japan many, many years ago, and lo did he kick much of the ass, and legend did tell that he sounded much like modern day journeyman actor and “Coolest Motherfucker on the planet” Samuel L. Jackson. All this is true, for it was written in the good books of Japanese history and made into an Anime TV series where my man Afro did relieve many mother-fornicators of their heads and their limbs with his mighty blade. All set to the classical music of the The RZA from the esteemed singers-of-song, The Wu-Tang Clan. And so it came to pass that a game of said Afro Samurai was created and it did kick much posterior, and further it allowed you to chop many heads off and relive this important moment in history as fountains of blood did fly skyward from the severed arms of your enemies. And lo it was good.

The Chronicles Of Riddick: Assault On Dark Athena (PS3, Xbox 360)

One night I dreamed that I was Vin Deisel, I was cool as a motherfuckin’ cucumber, and I was like playing Riddick in Pitch Black. Except I wasn’t acting and shit, nah I WAS Riddick, ok? I was all “Did not know who he was fuckin’ with”, and “Don’t you cry for Johns, don’t you dare.” And “I’m a bad ass, all bald and musclebound, ok?” but it wasn’t a dream, it was all a beautiful true thing. I was Riddick, I really did carry around some cool ass knives and guns that I could kill anyone fool enough to get in my way ! I escaped from prisons, flew spaceships, and killed everyone who looked at me funny. And I could see in the dark with my cool silver eyes… And then I woke up in the real world, in hospital after walking out in front of a bus at 4am in the morning in the dark. Oh well, it was a good dream, while it lasted.

Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ

Filed under: Culture, Reviews - Games by Flexmaster Nylon
2 Comments »

2 Responses to “Reviews – Games”

1. Oguz says:

   January 17, 2010 at 8:00 pm

   is it 50 with bazooka in his hand ?
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