By now you’ve probably heard that the founder of the legendary Gangstarr suffered a heart attack last week. The good news is that after surgery on Monday he’s back on the mend. At this stage little other news is available other than an unnamed source being quoted as saying “Guru is alive and recovering from his surgery. Doctors are expecting a full recovery luckily.” However, the internet being what it is there’s plenty of misinformation doing the rounds, with MTV.com flying the flag of poor research at full mast, attributing quotes to people who may have said bugger all on the issue. Good work guys. Maybe have your work experience bods stick to bagel-fetching in future…

Most recently Guru has been working with producer Solar and Beatmag were fortunate enough to catch up with the duo last year. However for fans of his earlier work with Gangstarr, a tidy ‘Get Well Soon’ mix by DJ Wonder has been doing the rounds and will serve as a reminder as to why the man is held in such high regard by so many of us.

Download – DJ Wonder – Get Well Soon (The Guru Respect Mix)

With the indefatigable Blackbelt Jonez

Tis the season to get wasted, tra la la la la etc. Now, unless you’re super rich and unemployed (and therefore probably a dealer) then you’ll be finding the arrival of lots of new festivals gets your mind all twisted up, thinking ‘great’, ‘annoying’ and ‘hmmm’ in a confusing tandem of contradiction. How will you find the time to go to them all and how will you afford to part with a considerable wedge of your hard-earned cash? Well, the obvious answer is working in the bars and helping hoover the shit out of the portaloos, but that’s really for the students and the heavy smokers who have no sense of smell or pride remaining. You can’t go to all of the festivals, that’s just silly. Instead you should check out the marginally bitter Beatmag guide to some of the festivals that are going on this year. Glastonbury is off our radar – it’s had more than enough press over the last two months and all of that quibbling over Jay Z (who will do a great show) is silly…
Anyway, have a read, make a decision and shut up.

GuilFest – July 4/5/6

Now this is a tricky one. Going to Guilfest is sort of a rite-of-passage. Guilfest is an admission that you’ve moved from one box to the next when it comes to filling out the ‘are you 0-20 yrs, 21-25 yrs, 25-35 yrs, 35+ and therefore pointless’ bit on forms. If you’re considering going to this one for the first time this year, we’ll wager that two years ago you’d have turned your nose up (which, by the way, had some white powder on it) and protested you’d never go. Well guess what? YOU’RE OLD ENOUGH NOW! So, pull your socks up and embrace a future of swaying and no-longer dancing at gigs, and actually taking a barbecue because for the first time you’ll be consuming food before the third day of a festival. Take shorts with an elasticated waste and look on the bright side – it won’t be an entirely unpleasant experience;
Blondie, The Levellers and The Australian Pink Floyd Show will headline the main stage and amongst other relatively safe bookings you can see Kula Shaker and Freak Power. Ladies, lock up your husbands because randy Welsh sexual dynamo Cerys Matthews will also be on the prowl. The PR is unclear as to whether she’ll be performing or just snaring a new man so have your pepper spray at the ready.

Tickets are priced at. Adults – £40 day, £90 weekend, £100 weekend with camping. Children between 12 – 16 years old – £30 day, £50 weekend, £60 weekend with camping. N.B. Children between 12 – 16 must be accompanied by an adult. Children aged under 12 have free entrance with ticket holding adult. Camper vans tickets are £80 and can only be used in conjunction with an adult with camping ticket.

For tickets and information go to www.guilfest.co.uk or call ticket hotline 0871 424 0050.

Wild In The Country – Sat 5th July

If you slightly reduce your drinking on Friday evenings for the next three weeks you’ll not only display a slightlier healthier hue around the gills but you may also be able to treat yourself and someone you’re currently sleeping with to this one-off event. Although it’s organised by Renaissance and there are enough of the names you’d associate with a proper rave-up including Sasha and the Plump DJs, this looks like it could be a tasteful event. Add Bjork’s only festival appearance in the UK this summer to the mix (and ignore the fact that the nauseating Pendulum will be within spitting distance) and consider the prospect of six cutting-edge marquee’d arenas and a main stage (outdoor) that will play host to a diverse collection of electronic artistes. All of this set against a flamboyant riot of décor, revellers can also enjoy the Anglo-centric Victorian fun fair; an enchanted wood and ice cream (yes, the PR blurb does actually include ‘ice cream’ as one of it’s ‘enticers’).
Wild in the Country is an event that ticks all boxes including ‘slightly expensive but not extortionate’ and ‘ice cream available’.

Site: Knebworth House, Knebworth park Stevenage, Hertfordshire
Date: Saturday July 5th 2008
Time: 1pm-6am
Early Bird Tickets - £45 + BF (£54 + BF thereafter)
24 hour Box Office: 0871230 7137
Online: renaissance.com
Line Up – many more to be announced.

Lounge On The Farm 11-13th July

An eye catcher this one, not only because of the price (‘proper bargain to the max’ we’d say if we weren’t all over 30) but because of the super eclectic line-up;
So far…Lightspeed Champion, The Bees, Art Brut, Black Kids, Jon Carter, Dub Pistols Sound System, Sargasso Trio, Pete Molinari, Kevin Rowland (DJ Set) Aba Shanti Sound System. Sonny.
A right healthy bunch there, we’d say. Now imagine seeing Blondie, The Foo Fighters and The Sex Pistols. Now stop imagining it because unfortunately they won’t be there. However, No Future (Sex Pistols), Blondee & Fool Fighters will be performing on the Sheep Dip Stage alongside other cleverly named tribute acts and rip-off merchant so leave your specs at home, rub nettles in your eye and see if you can tell the difference.

http://www.loungeonthefarm.co.uk/

Camp Bestival – 18, 19, 20th July

A nice idea behind this one: Basically geared towards festival goers who’ve finally accepted that those inconvenient little lumps that slow them down are actually their children. Organised by Rob Da Bank, Camp Bestival has some good varieties of music nailed down (Hercules & The Love Affair, The Flaming Lips, Chuck Berrry & DJ Krust) but it’s also thinking about the little people. There’s the Kid’s Garden area complete with mother and baby temple The Breastival, Kid’s Dressing Up Tent (and catwalk), The Insect Circus & Museum, Maypole dancing and an animal farm, all to keep your ankle biters amused.
This will have the same vibe as the Bestival but we’d imagine with marginally less Es & coke and more rusks & early nights. It’s a family affair for sure, but there is of course the possibility that those who missed out on tickets to the real-deal Bestival will descend upon this one instead! A decent looking bash.

Prices vary (depending on whether you’re 13 or not) www.campbestival.net

Kazantip Republic Beach Festival – ‘late JULY till end of August!’

There’s no other party like this in the world; Setting itself up as a fully functioning country for the summer months the kaZantip Republic is a temporary autonomous nation for whom age and social status means nothing. It even has it’s own President and Cabinet Ministers, who hold some position of power and status but it’s the DJs and musicians along with the creative elite who really hold the nations power… Confused? Well try this – kaZantip Republic is an international electronic music festival that has taken place for the last fifteen summers in the Crimea (Ukraine) and has grown to accommodate a willing 100,000 party people who are destined to spend the summer season dancing on the beach to a selection of travelling DJs, live acts alongside the occasional ‘switched on’ superstar DJ who all join the throng competing across ten dance floors to win the heart and minds of the countries inhabitants.
www.kaZantip.biz
Check this out for an idea of what to expect – www.vbs.tv/shows.php?show=1075

Beachdown Festival, Brighton – August 22, 23, 24th August

For those of us unfortunate to have missed out on going to Bestival this year (some may say karma for gloating about going on about it last year), this one looks like it could be a sexy sheep-shaped replacement;
OK – it may not have Aphex Twin or George Clinton prancing and flouncing (and occasionally upsetting), but Terry Callier can belt out a tune or ten, De La Soul can always work a crowd up into a fluffy hip-hop frenzy and Roy Ayers will be tooting out that song about sunshine and how much everybody loves it at some point over the weekend. Forgotten cool-cats Freak Power and the Fun Loving Criminals will also be there, Hercules And The Love Affair can pull in a horny crowd, Horace Andy is quite a lovely and there are a number of local favourites including The Hat, Hardkandy and The Miserable Rich.
Also, Brighton’s police work all year round so unlike the under-worked and frankly bored forces of the Isle of Wight, Brighton’s rozzers won’t hear the word “Festival” and suddenly smell easy ‘ratings’ meat after a year of sitting on it’s collective arse…
It’s a well known fact that 74% of Brighton’s police force are ticklish, so if you get a super-keen copper eyeing up your bum-hole looking for skunky weed, be armed with a feather and tickle your way into an hilarious Benny Hill style escape.
Once you’re in, survey the beautiful surroundings of Sussex’s South Downs, grab yourself an organic snack (all food here is organic so pack your wallet) and settle down to some top-notch pretty-people watching.

Tickets for the weekend are £85 including camping

http://www.beachdownfestival.com

Creamfields – 23, 24, 25th August

For the ravers amongst you, this is always the real deal. Erol Aklan, Ian Brown, Fatboy Slim (yep, spotters badge. Lets see how many festivals he shows up in…), Paul Oakenfold, Eric Morillo, Tiesto, Sasha & Pete Tong. Don’t expect too many frills here. It’s all about a massive three-day knees up so the non-music entertainment will be limited to watching someone on ketamine trying to escape from a tent that doesn’t exist. Expect the world’s worst burgers to cost about £6 and suspicious bottles of water £2.50 each.

Airport

As if they weren’t already enough expensive distractions at airports, EMI have announced a partnership with Medianywhere which will enable pasty holiday makers to spunk the last of their coinage on any last minute tunes they’d forgotten to copy onto their MP3 players, meaning that any potential trauma involving an Aya Napa beach and some wanker from Croyden blasting the latest nauseating R n B hit out of his phone is no longer the nightmare we all imagined it couldn’t never not be.

Clad in a loin-cloth and with a boldness that his centurian-like name suggests, Medianywhere chief Maxim Ivanov roared “The kiosks are the next step in the future of downloading. Quick, accessible and easy to use, it is the simplest way to get digital music onto your player”.

Without wanting to upset anyone who sounds like they’re built like a Roman brick shit-house, Beatmag will take this opportunity to remind Maxim that an even simpler way to get digital music onto your player would be to either do it at home on your computer or access the internet via your mobile…

The first kiosks have opened for business at Italy’s Fiumicino airport so even if we thought this was a good idea, the opportunity to test them out is beyond us just yet. Perhaps once they’ve made it over from mainland Europe we may show a flicker of interest but for now it’s a thumbs down from Beatmag.

Miley Cyrus

The creepier side of the media industry rears it’s disturbingly ugly head once again with the news that pictures of Miley Cyrus, daughter of the ‘fruity ponytailed’ Billy-Ray, are becoming more valuable than those of Britney Spears. Since pictures of Hollywood nut-jobs with their unimaginables hanging out of their fishnets with mascara streaming down their faces are ten-a-penny, this cannot register as a shock. However the real thigh-rubbing, lip-licking, restraint order-inducing horror reveals itself more clearly when a glance at the birth cerificate of Ms achybreaky jnr shows that she’s only 15, and that the value of these pics will increase considerably if it’s of her first kiss. Aaah – isn’t that sweet?

Splash News (“The Only Site You’ll Need For Celebrity Photos”) CEO Gary Morgan is quoted as saying: “There’s a move toward all-American clean living. Everyone is looking for a moral teenager, someone they can look up to”. Mr Morgan fails to expand on this delightful scenario so lets do it for him; fast-forward five years, pay photographer to lay in a puddle and get an upskirt shot as you she gets out of a car. Justify the shots because ‘she’s in the public eye’. Let’s expand this scenario oooh-just a little bit further: The photographer is ill (karma-cancer) so instead Morgan drapes himself in the gutter, waiting. Something in a dress hops out of a Limo and a stilleto penetrates poor Gary’s eye. He’s dragged up the inevitable red carpet, and as the planets align and the world becomes a better place, justice is done as the last thing this despicable shit-head sees from his remaining eye is the hairy tackle of Pete Burns, winking at him from the skirt above.

Bats & Twats

If every we needed confirmation that an unconscious connection between humans and animals existed, then this could be it. Working on the follow up to their dreary ‘Eyes Open’ album, Snow Patrol found themselves slightly overwhelmed by the presence of some bats at their recording studio in Ireland.

‘Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, bat!’ exclaimed Gary Lightbody upon discovering one in his room whilst more of the flea ridden kid-nibblers circled outside, looking in the window and making obscene gestures with their little wings. Unfortunately Gary was saved by another member of the band opening a window and helping the bat out, halting the mission to further delay the production of an album that is as eagerly anticipated here at Beatmag as a dose of genital herpes.

Although we’re not religious here, we do call upon any potential Jesus, Buddah or Ozzy Osbourne impersonators to encourage more bats to travel in Snow Patrol’s general direction, thus stalling any future releases.

Young Knives become HerelDeduke’s wives (sort of)

As slightly likeable and nerdy as they are, there are more than a handful of folk who’d love to impale The Young Knives on a selection of distinctly rusty older knives, drill bits, dildos and sharpened traffic cones. However since the bulk of us don’t carry blades in our schoolbags and are far too busy playing ‘Grand Theft Auto’, knife-play would get in the way of actual fantasy violence and would involve shifting our fat arses out of our armchairs. A far better way to upset the geeky rocksters would be to topple them on the music battlefield and HerelDeduke has done just that: A minor victory it may be, but his winning of a recent ‘Record Of The Week’ vote on Mark Radcliffe & Stuart Maconie’s show on BBC Radio 2 bodes well for the artist, who’s album ‘Country Bumpin’ sounds not unlike a fantasy collaboration between Ian Brown, Timbaland and the Beta Band.

Having also done away with Bon Iver, The Chap and of course The Young Knives in winning 57% of the audience vote, the single ‘Shudda’ then went on to become ‘Single Of The Week’ on BBC 6 Music’s Breakfast Show.

Written and produced by up and coming producer Oliver Brown and featuring lyrics by himself as well as Lusak and Arthur Brown of ‘God of Hellfire’ fame, the new album twists and turns faster than an electric eel plugged into a scalectrix, and like all wised-up DIY artists, HerelDeduke is using his noddle and giving away a track for the gentlefolk of Beatmag to sample. Plug your ears into this tasty morsel and then check out his Myspace for more of the goodness.

HerelDeduke – ‘Shudda’ www.zshare.net/audio/12725856b440f120/

http://www.myspace.com/hereldeduke

Shudda & Country Bumpin’ are both available on Rife Records

With the indefatigable Blackbelt Jonez

IRON MAIDEN

Over the years many a plane has hurtled into the ocean with a bundle of birds clogging up its engine. Check out Iron Maiden’s solution – put a fucking scarecrow on your tail and watch the buggers shift out of your flight path quicker than you can say ‘beak baguette’. Eco-warriors Iron Maiden are not. In fact, their PR brags that they will be flying close to 100,000 miles on their 2008 World Tour, a juvenile boast if ever there was one. How about “At least 300 virgins will be deflowered by Tommy Lee once Motley Crue hit Europe…” or “Our security managed to stamp on over 600 camera-phones pointed ever-so slightly towards Prince during his recent ‘I Wonder If They’ll Notice That My Album Is Shite Tour’ last year”?

However, not wanting to put Iron Maiden fans in a box *insert own joke here* it’s unlikely that many will boycott the tour based on environmental issues and perhaps nor should they as Bruce Dickinson reckons this mode of transport will be useful for estimating the band’s Carbon Footprint. In theory this sounds like a plan but some quick maths suggests the 87 tonnes of Carbon Dioxide their jet-setting will produce will require a fair bit of tree-planting, roll-on deodorant application and low temperature washing of the band’s sweaty jeans.

Of course this ‘story’ of a plane and it’s subsequent gas-billowing journey will create a handy distraction from the fact that there will be no new material performed either on any leg of the tour nor on the forthcoming DVD releases ‘Live After Death’ and ‘Maiden England’. Beatmag suggests the beginning of a petition to alter the image on the plane tail to picture ‘Eddie’ with writer’s block, wiping his tears with wads of cash…

www.ironmaiden.com

Does It Offend You Yeah?

Let’s leave comments about their frankly shitty name at the door and welcome the DIOYY? fellas in for a mug of tea, because whether knocking up their own tracks or remixing for the likes of Bloc Party & MUSE, the boys are coming up with the necessaries to make our ears twitch like a rottweiller in a kitten factory.

Forthcoming single ‘We Are Rockstars’ isn’t written about the inflated egos of DIOYY?. In contrast it was penned about the social networking ways of the world today – “You’re all rockstars now in a network town, there’s no place to go, to be on your own, making friends and foes, watch the network grow”.

They drop their album ‘You Have No Idea What You’re Getting Yourself Into’ on 17th March on Virgin and it’s set to be a monster. Try to ignore the predictable band-wagon leaping from the usual sources (Artrocker & NME, your flimsy crimes of professional lap-doggery will follow you to your papery graves – you’d rate a dog turd if you thought everyone would agree with you) and check the video for ‘Let’s Make Out’ (and like it).

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=X6_ubiAzoSk&feature=related

The Grid

Back in the studio after going their separate ways for 10 or so years, Richard Norris and Dave Ball have, for better or for worse, reformed The Grid. Whilst Dave had been busying himself writing, remixing and producing for the likes of Kylie, Depeche Mode and his old muckers Soft Cell, Richard had formed a couple of dodgily named dance acts The Droyds and Beyond The Wizard’s Sleeve to relative success.

Apparently rumours have been circulating about the potential reunion. In what chat-rooms and at what water-coolers these ‘rumours’ have been ‘circulating’ isn’t entirely clear but the rumours proved to be true and ‘Put Your Hands Together’ is the first single from the brand new studio album ‘Doppelganger’ due for release in April 2008.

‘Brand new’ is a key phrase here because since the quality of music previously on offer from The Grid is the intellectual equivalent of The Krankies and mastering aside, could probably be composed on the taxi journey to the press conference (with the press conference being held at the taxi rank).

It’s grim car-crash curiosity that gets this little nugget a mention on the hallowed pages of Beatmag. We’ll be watching from behind our collective sofa cushion like teens at a slasher-flick, fearing what potential hideousness The Grid can impose on our ears.

www.myspace.com/gridmusic

Clannad

We’re a cultured bunch at Beatmag. Glance at your timepiece. Go on, glance – right this very second, one of our noble soldiers may be found perusing the shelves of an antiquarian bookstore, quenching the rampant thirst for knowledge. Another of us may be flexing his brain muscles, playing multiple chess matches whilst sipping sherry from a beaker, adorned in a velvety cardigan woven by blind nuns. A fly on the wall during one of our cheese evenings may recount tales (if it could talk) of wit and wonder, accompanied by laughter only the wise and beautiful dare dispatch. Christ, we even buy our milk from Harrods, we’re so bloody brilliant. So what is the music that makes us wonderful people sway like gentle fairies in a light breeze? What magical sounds make us stop in our tracks and glance to the heavens thankfully, tears of gratitude in our eyes? Cast your ear toward the sea and hear the whisper on the waves; ‘Clannad, Clannad, Clannad’. Or perhaps not;

A more accurate appraisal of our collective talent is that we all scratch our arses in public, we play draughts on our laptops (and lose) and that we think that Edam is a ‘good, family cheese’. As for Clannad? Well, a division within our ranks may just exist… (It does, Ed. SEE HERE)

Clannad have given a unique voice to modern Irish music. They have combined a deep love of traditional strains with a bold approach to writing and recording. Their legacy is a collection of albums, touching on folk, rock, ambient, jazz and world music. Now they embark on their first UK Tour for 10 years, from March through till May. You can bet at least one of our troop will be with them, if only in spirit. The rest of us will be watching Eastenders and belching loudly.

The Miserable Rich Steal Hot Chip’s Hot Bitch

The history of the cover version has thrown up many corkers, amongst them Soft Cell (Gloria Scott’s ‘Tainted Love’), Jimi Hendrix (Dylan’s ‘All Along The Watchtower’) and Aretha Franklin, trumping Otis Redding’s ‘Respect’ and making it her own.
There have also been some right stinkers; Mcfly (murdering Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’), All Saints (completely missing the point with The Chilli Pepper’s ‘Under The Bridge’) and of course Geri Halliwell’s exemplary execution of somehow making The Weather Girl’s truly horrible ‘It’s Raining Men’ sound even worse.

The Miserable Rich tossed their car-keys into the song-swap fruit-bowl, leaving arm-in-arm with Hot Chip’s most attractive offering, ‘Over & Over’ and whisked her off for an evening of luke-warm loving. Making off with the best Hot Chip had in their harem is one thing, but returning her with a cheeky glint in her eye, and a grateful smile on her lips is quite another. It’s classy, it’s cheeky and it’s a bit fucking weird…

Available now as a free download. Either look for the Facebook group for ‘The Miserable Rich’, download from here; http://zshare.net/audio/701538495daf12

or click the link below; http://apps.facebook.com/ilike/artist/the%20miserable%20rich

Edited By Blackbeltjonez whose opinions (notably about the Sex Pistols) are not necessarily those of Beatmag editorial. Mess with him, though, and you mess with us.

Fink

Even Britain’s rabid Sun newspaper has taken time out from nipples and immigrant-baiting to enjoy the good work of Ninja Tune’s Fink, suggesting some of his tunes to be better than those of Jose Gonzalez, high praise indeed for anyone brandishing a plectrum. Lazy comparisons aside, the reviews for Fink’s work either in the studio or on the road have been very positive. Following on from last year’s ‘Biscuits For Breakfast’ LP on Ninja Tune, Fink returns with ‘This Is The Thing’. His vocal performance is all poise and heartache over beautifully simple, falling country blues, as Fink takes aim at the heart of modern relationships: “The things that keep us apart, keep me alive. And the things that keep me alive, keep me alone…”

Not only will this release endear him to lovers of weeping and public displays of emotion, it should establish Fink as one of the UK’s pre-eminent singer-songwriters and guarantee him a fumble with Abi Titmuss or one of the latest female Big Brother evictees.
Fink’s ‘This Is The Thing / Make It Good’ download single is released 13th August. The album ‘Distance And Time’ is due on 1st October

Album launch party will be at the Luminaire in London on 17th October, with a bigger London gig and Uk tour later in year. Tickets from: http://www.theluminaire.co.uk/cnt/events.php?month=October&event=534&year=2007.

Shirley Bassey

Will someone please offer this poor woman either a seat or some decent fresh material? Shirley Bassey (or Dame Shirley when she wants a table at The Ivy) is still bellowing out dusty, cob-webbed numbers like it’s nobody’s business and though her voice has retained it’s fog-horn quality, as her set at this year’s Glastonbury proved, it’s clear that somebody somewhere should give her something else to sing.

‘Goldfinger’ and ‘Hey Big Spender’ have sounded pretty tiresome for at least a decade now and although she’s released a new album, the tracks are mostly remixes of old favourites. The Propellerheads had the right idea when they dusted her off 10 years ago. She brought alive ‘History Repeating’ – a blinder of a tune – but it was tragically snapped up as the theme to ‘So Graham Norton’, thus automatically rendering it useless drivel. No-one at Beatmag is asking for complex lyrical wizardry but re-singing Pink’s ‘Get The Party Started’ definitely isn’t a good enough reason to squeeze another album out of the old girl. Having had to leave Glastonbury in a helicopter in the pissing rain, the Welsh whirlwind is either enjoying an unexpected career renaissance (her nineteenth) or she simply won’t sit down because of piles. A grim image maybe but a gentleman back-stage armed with a pea-shooter and a steady aim could be the secret behind that voice for all these years.

‘Get The Party Started’ by Shirley Bassey is out now.

Sex Pistols

You’d think someone would have a new twist on this by now? A re-release of material by the self-appointed anti-Christ called John and his charming friends that dates back 30 years is hardly stretching the imagination is it? The Really Slow Removal Of A Plaster Award goes to the numbskull who’s decided to release the band’s four singles for four consecutive weeks leading up to the album release. Dragging it out hasn’t been done this well since the Queen Mum (‘Gawd bless er toothless maaf’) kept us all guessing for six or seven years. In recent times, the ‘Never Mind The Bollocks…’ album has come to be commonly regarded to be one of the most influential rock releases of the last 40 years, and has been described as “one of the greatest, most inspiring rock records of all time”. Inspiring? How? Only in a “what not to sound like” type-of-way, surely?

“The Sex Pistols weren’t part of a movement. They defined a movement” says the PR. This much is true, but how relevant is their voice in a UK where kids get stabbed and shot for dog ownership and walking down the wrong street? Times have changed vastly and while this will serve as a trip down memory lane for some people, even the majority who stood watching them gobbing on one-another would be hard pressed to deny it sounds dated now. The music of The Sex Pistols was a small portion of the overall package, almost a by-product. You can see how it’d be easy to be caught up in the excitement of a live show and the knowledge that they were upsetting the establishment but they upset nobody now. The Pistols are either older or deader and politicians and Royalty are still masters of the purse-strings.

To be fair to John Lydon it’s unlikely he’ll be signing copies. Virgin are re-issuing it and I can’t imagine they asked if he was bothered. It’s a shame they didn’t check to see if anyone else was either…

Festivals Preview

The last issue of Beatmag had a run-down of up-coming festivals for the summer, basing much on the assumption that global warming would do for us all in the long run but short term it would ensure sun-blessed festivals and a sharp increase in the sale of sun-lotion, ketamine and expensive frozen yoghurts.

The benefit of hindsight is underrated but even the poor sods knee-deep in slurry at Glade couldn’t have imagined it would have been quite so mucky, no-matter how many mind-bending mushroom truffles they’d gobbled down.

With the miserable statistics that recent weather reports provide, the following information is to be digested under supervision. If you choose to act upon it and go to any festivals in England, it’s your own fault…

Punkt Festival, August 29 – Kristiansand, Norway

If you’ve got too much money and too many braincells then go and see a bunch of arty toss in Norway: http://www.punktfestival.no/punkt.php

Numusic, September 5-8 Stavanger, Norway

…and if you’ve got too much money and like dancing your tits off, go to this in Norway. Legendry legends of legend-type-status Underground Resistance will be there. As will Lindstrom, Jean Jacques Perry, Daedelus and possibly this years best named artist, Hudson Mohawke. Go, get smashed and snog a hot Norwegian. http://www.numusic.no/

Bestival – September 7 – Newport, Isle of Wight, UK

With a bit of luck, the weather will have grown tired of being a c*nt and this year’s Bestival will be remembered by all who went as “mmmmmmm”. The line-up includes Spank Rock (who really need to be seen live), Gossip (who really REALLY need to be seen live but with more clothes on), 2ManyDJs, Primal Scream and then older favourites like Marlena Shaw and Tim Westwood. There’s also gonna be a massive Fancy Dress party, a Beard And Moustache Championship and some poncy posh camping facilities for those clever enough to book it early. We’ll stop here because tickets are no longer available and we don’t want to rub it in cause Beatmag will be there with bells on.

With the indefatigable Blackbelt Jonez

Apocalypto – released June 11th on DVD

Defenders of Mel Gibson and his mischievous ways will indicate that he is a changed man and suggest that any negative stories are ancient history that are best left in the past. Mel is clearly a fan of the past, telling tales that occasionally contain historical inaccuracies whilst his continued commitment to any cinematic involvement of high exposure of men’s legs shows no sign of abating. The DVD release of ‘Apocalypto’ presumably has a director’s cut that will feature bone-pierced genitals too graphic for cinema goers plus some bonus-feature ‘Gibson Diary’ with Mel himself applying bronzing lotion to a bemused looking extra. We look forward to eventual futuristic releases from Mel where he rebuilds Robocop with Wayne Rooney’s thighs.

Shut Up And Dance

Shut Up And Dance marks the unique collaboration of two of Berlins most important representatives of high art and nightlife, the Berlin Staatsballet and Berghain. They are joined by five of the most influential producers of electronic music who have contributed exceptional compositions. According to the occasion, they present themselves in unusual ways, exclusively for this project and performance.
On June 27th, the Staatsballett Berlin will celebrate the premiere of Shut Up And Dance! Updated in co-production with the club: five members of the Staatsballett will perform choreographies developed to electronic music especially composed for this occasion.
The musicians were given no instructions on how the music had to sound, but most of the results are calm and hypnotic. NSI (Tobias Freund and Max Loderbauer) offer an abstract track built from low frequencies, Âme’s sixteen-minute effort could be compared to Philip Glass, while Luke Slater hands in a lush ambient track under his moniker The 7th Plain.
It’s certainly engaging stuff but as often occurs with artistic reworks of genres that are set in tradition (for example some of the Hip Hop dance stuff that Jonzi D has worked on) it’s hard to see this appealing to either hardcore ballet fans or hardcore techno fans, but is more likely to sit comfortably in the middle with an art/experimental crowd who have a passing interest in either the music or the soppy tiptoed dance form. Fortunately Berlin is one of the places where an event such as this will succeed because it’s ‘well arty’. We don’t speak from experience, it’s just that someone left a tourism leaflet in the Beatmag office and we saw something about pierced ballet dancers on Eurotrash once.

Further performances: June 28th and 29th, July 3rd, 4th and 5th 2007.

http://www.residentadvisor.net/forum-read.aspx?id=28526

Joakim – Lonely Hearts

Many moons ago, ages in fact, it was believed that the earth was nice and flat. Explorers would set off in extravagant boats that naughty daddy’s slave trading had helped purchase, in search of the end of world. They would hope to get close to the edge and have a sneaky peak over, but not quite topple off into shitty oblivion.
Nowadays, smug fuckers that we are, humans know that there is no end to the earth (in a physical sense) because it’s round (the end in another sense is an issue far too political to be tackled on the trivial news pages of Beatmag. You want our environment section, page 99).
There must be however, an end to the constant stream of ironic electronic ‘80s synth poppers that keep cropping up. We’ve had a peek over Joakim’s MySpace page and having heard his music with his Electroplasmic Band as a consequence, may have witnessed something resembling the end. Finally the ‘80s sounded as bad again as it did to the majority of us the first time round. Hound us out of the country and chase us in Sinclair C5s and on Raleigh Grifters. Attack us with Atari Game Consoles and cheap plastic Light Sabers if you please but there is no way you can convince us that this is anything other than the electronic equivalent to a steaming turd, and a twenty year old one at that.

‘Lonely Hearts’ is out in all good record shops through !K7, taken from the “astounding” album ‘Monsters and Silly Songs’

Festival Time

If the weather this Easter weekend is anything to go by, we know two things for definite; global warming is truly upon us, and summer 2007 is going to be hotter than “Debbie Harry in camiknickers spoon-feeding a beef vindaloo to Pan’s People in a sauna in Bangkok”(thanks Alan). So, allow yourself a minute to shed a tear for future generations who will never get to snorkel on the barrier reef, nor marvel at the twittering of songbirds on a dewy English country morning thanks to mankind’s selfish need for all things rainforesty, and then call up your dealer and nip round to Mothercare to get an order in early for drugs and stock up some baby wipes and a potty for your tent, for the festival season is almost upon us!
Super alert PRs have so far launched these mash-up missiles our way so start saving those pennies:

Global Gathering – 27th & 28th July Long Marston Airfield, Stratford Upon Avon
This one always sells out to up to 75,000 beautiful ravers and has extravagant arenas run by the like of Mixmag, Bedrock, Radio 1 and heart burn specialists Strongbow, who are running a delightful sounding ‘Ciderhouse’. If you’re gonna go to this one you may also want to take a bucket and a damp cloth. Early bird tickets are all gone so brace yourself to get ripped off on Ebay. Be warned: if anyone offers you poppers there, don’t do it. It’s not super dangerous, just tacky.

Escape Into The Park. Saturday 16th June, Singleton Park, Swansea
This is the biggest event in the Welsh clubbing calendar, attracting over 20,000 dance music fans to Swansea’s Singleton Park. From midday to midnight a selection of DJs from all over the world will assemble on the stunning festival site including Holland’s Armin Van Buuren, Fedde le Grand, annoying squeaky midget Judge Jules and Big Brother winner Kate Lawler, who will be playing records and not waving like a twat or being racist as previous Big Brother winners have been known to do.
The park is a stones throw from the M4 although organisers ask that if you do get bored by the repetitiveness of the whole affair you don’t test their measuring theory by actually throwing stones at the M4. Swansea is renowned as being one of the most picturesque and popular coastal towns in South Wales, although Brian Blessed has just been released into the wild by mistake thanks to stag-night prank gone wrong. To date he has eaten seven live rabbits, a small cottage and a disused railway line so be careful out there.

Exit Festival, Petrovaradin Fortress, Serbia 12th-15th July 2007
Finally, for the more adventurous and less-suspicious-of-foreign-drugs type of raver, there is the Exit Festival. EXIT takes place in the historic Petrovaradin Fortress, which is built high on the banks of the River Danube and offers stunning views over the city of Novi Sad. The ancient fortress site was originally occupied by the Romans, and re-built by the Austro Hungarian Empire to defend against the Turks in the 17th Century so we at Beatmag feel mildly guilty about promoting this one to you dirty English people who as we all know like nothing more than urinating on precious, historical artefacts.
If you can manage not to soil Eastern Europe then you can perhaps feel entitled to go and see the possibly the best line up of all of the above festivals, including Basement Jaxx, The Beastie Boys and The Wu Tang Clan. Four day Tickets are just £54 and since you’ve no chance of getting into Glastonbury this year it looks well worth a pop.

Herman Dune

You’re at a social event, maybe a wedding or a semi posh dinner party (jacket and jeans ala Clapton are acceptable, bringing drugs and After Eights unacceptable). There are people you don’t know. People you’ve never met. They are boring people. You are introduced to one of them. The conversation appears to be flowing. It’s not. Other person is talking, you are half listening and nodding a bit and wondering about prawn volovents. Other person appears to be telling a joke about a death or an illness. You keep nodding, encouraging the discomfort to draw to a close and for the joke to finish. But then you realise it isn’t a joke and it isn’t meant to be funny.
The wedding you were at is called MySpace and the droning non-joke is Herman Dune. In tight social situations like these we don’t really know what you’re supposed to do, but we do know that we logged out www.myspace.com/therealhermandune swiftly when we realised we were not supposed to laugh at it.
If you’re reading this in an internet café having paid £2 per hour to be on-line and feel a little short changed after checking Herman’s page, don’t despair. Scan down to his My Friend Space and voila – Scarlett Johanson. Not a wasted minute after all, even if you are a girl because I’m sorry but you’d have to be a eunuch not to feel a tingle looking at her…
Herman Dune’s album ‘Giant’ is available to buy and give to people you don’t like now.

Ash

We’re not sure if we’re ignorant, stupid or lucky here at Beatmag. For the most part, Ash have been off the radar. Sure we’ve heard of them. We know they’ve been around for many a good year and for those of us having worked in second hand music shops we could pick out a couple of the album covers with our eyes closed (wait a minute that’s not right…) but in a musical “coming in your ear” type of way, the trio of lads (and sometimes a lady called Charlotte) from Downpatrick, Northern Ireland have been about as likely to get a slot on our party playlist as ‘The Sound Of Workmen With Pneumatic Drills In London’ by Bum Cleavage (Out now on Unprepared Tourist Records). .
However, five Top 10 Albums and sixteen Top Forty Singles is no mean feat for a band who’s average age is 30 so respect where respect’s due, however begrudging it may be. Fifteen years of recording together, touring together, shitting together (on a tour bus, not as a hobby) and learning how to bring off two groupies simultaneously together would likely challenge any friendships, but still they go on, like petulant warriors armed with guitars and incoherent musical ramblings.
The band’s new album ‘Twilight Of The Innocents’, recorded without Charlotte Hatherley who’s gone on to pursue her apparently blossoming solo career, is due out early July and will see them doing some grotty instore appearances in the UK before the glamour spots Belgium, Norway and Germany welcome them in.
Ash, we salute your staying power but please stay away from our stereo.

Kidz In The Hall – School Was My Hustle

“I used to get teased like you wouldn’t believe. Black kids called me white just because I could read. White kids called me strange cause of my African name”

Whilst it’s not quite ‘Inner City Blues’ and is a lyric that looks like it could’ve been penned by someone from Grange Hill, Kidz In The Hall’s ‘School Was My Hustle’ album is a reasonably satisfyingly listen. Satisfying because it’s consistent from start to finish, a trait that is rarely associated with Hip Hop albums these days. It’s doubtful we’ll find ourselves again in era when you could put on an album and let it play from start to finish and then hit play for a second dose but Kidz In The Hall have created a work that is as close to Brand Nubian’s ‘One For All’ or Souls Of Mischief’s ‘93 Till Infinity’ as you are likely to hear nowadays without going back to the source. In fact there is a homage to ‘93 Till Infinity’, the first single ‘Wheelz Fall Off (’06 Till)’ although despite what is obviously a clever bit of marketing the track doesn’t come off as a rip off. The rest of the album too could be considered a homage to early ‘90s Hip Hop, although more because of it’s music than it’s lyrical prowess. It’s a bit like Inter Milan coasting to victory in the Italian football league this year; a victory by default because there are no worthy competitors.

With the indefatigable Blackbelt Jonez

Pop Levi invents the wheel

Clearly a favourite with boys and girls, mums and dads, ducks and squirrels etc, Pop Levi (real name Poppy Levington) has hit upon a great new idea. Brace yourselves: “People are encouraged to add Pop Levi’s instant messenger alter ego to their ‘buddy lists’ for a chance to chat to him using the popular instant messenger services”. The artificial intelligent ‘Robopop’ has been “developed” (you know, like when they develop gum for smokers and cars that run on eggs. Painstaking months in a lab, etc) to chat about Pop’s releases. That’s nice, dear. Erm, how is that different to any other digital service then, apart from the fact you get an advert going “ahem – hellooo” pestering you on your desktop rather than logging on somewhere to find it in your inbox?

Anyway, Robopop will send fans video and audio clips and links to live dates. Again, not super different to MySpace is it? This nifty promotional tool is presumably to aid the sales of the forthcoming “The Return To Form Black Magick Party” on Ninja Tune’s new label, Counter Records.

Journalists be wary. If you do interview Pop Levi at any stage he will insist on reading transcripts before publishing and adding a ‘k’ to any ‘magic’ references. It’s not that he believes that ‘magick’ is the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with the will, but more that he once cheated at Scrabble with this spelling and until the person he cheated is ‘out of the picture’ he has to cover his shame with smoke, mirrors and a biro. Despite cheating at board games, Pop Levi’s music is more than tolerable so it’s worth tuning in, if only to cheer up Robopop (a six year old boy who eats batteries and has foil stapled to his face).

For Aim or iChat use robopoplevi
For MSN use robopoplevi@hotmail.com

It’s A Family With Hair

Families in the music industry have released albums with varying degrees of success in the charts and beyond. Over the years, The Corrs, The Jackson 5, Spandau Ballet and The Nolan Sisters have all guzzled long and hard from the goblet of greatness. In ‘The Krays’ Gary and Martin Kemp done us all a favour and punched each other in the face loads. Last month, Jermaine Jackson managed to come second on Celebrity Big Brother. As recently as 2004 The Nolans took part in a filmed experiment on telephone telepathy (really), and as you read this The Corrs (probably excluding Jim) will still be getting their pretty heads superimposed onto porn models in The Sport because they’re too selfish to take their clothes off for the benefit of others.

However, Jim and William Reid formally of The Jesus And Mary Chain are sticking to playing music after a failed farm takeover proved a bridge too far for the Scottish rockers… The collapse of their Cheeses and Dairy Chain project hit them hard but was enough to convince them that their future was back on the big stage, playing music and not knee deep in shit attaching devices to cow’s udders.

It’s already been announced that The Jesus And Mary Chain will perform at The Coachella Valley Music And Arts Festival, California in April this year but the hot news is that they will be performing on Sister Linda Reid’s “Little Pop Rock” album under the moniker Sister Vanilla on March 19th. Whether Sister Vanilla can live up to the massive reputation left by the brothers’ former band remains to be seen, as does the answer to the question “good or not?” The sound is similarly heavy but this time round it’s laced with lazy lady vocals (a good thing) so chances are thumbs will be pointing skywards.

It’s alright Pa, I’m only boozing.

Bryan Ferry is becoming a bit of a regular in our news column. This time round we’re announcing his ‘Dylanesque’ release on March 5th which is an album of – you’ve guessed it – Bob Dylan covers. In 1973, he had an idea: “I just thought it would be great to make a whole album of Dylan songs. And at the end of last year, finally, it happened.” Next year, look out for the shoe with the flappy sole that Bryan had been meaning to glue since the late ‘60s. “When I put my mind to it, I always get the job done – even it does take me 30 years sometimes,” he never said.

‘Dylanesque’ was recorded in just over a week and is likely to gain recognition from hardcore Ferry fans although quite what Dylan has to say about it is another matter entirely. “What would I say if I did meet him?” asks Ferry. “I hope you don’t mind.”

Quite. I’d imagine that the royalty cheques and partial deafness will soften the blow for Bob. In fact, perhaps he won’t notice at all, Bryan. You know, the same way your son Otis didn’t notice that he was drinking triple vodka Red Bulls at a party before careering home in a VW doing 20mph. Crazy like a foxhunter.

Stooges fill stadiums. Conservatives fill their pants

A few years ago a wit devised the idea for ‘Deadstock’, an imaginary festival where the rotting corpses of deceased musicians were “dug up, brushed down and plugged in”. Social commentators may argue that this was a statement of how poor our current pool of entertainers are, that a parade of blue lipped blues musicians and bullet ridden bad boys would fill the void now occupied by James Blunt, 50 Cent and fucking Razorlight. Whilst a concert featuring Notorious B.I.G jamming with Hendrix would be delightful, a parade of electric zombie musicians could never happen. Or could it? No, of course it couldn’t. European law wouldn’t allow it and it’d stink to high heaven. However, edging towards the ‘next best thing’ title comes the news that The Stooges have been back in the studio for the first time in 33 years. The New York Dolls have already dropped an album that got critics hot in their special places and now Iggy, plus two of the original band members, guitarist Ron Asheton and drummer Scott Asheton are next up to bat.

‘The Weirdness’ is out on 19th March and is produced by Steve Albini who worked with Nirvana and The Pixies. The release of the album will be followed by a full world tour that will probably disturb people to within inches of their timid lives, not least because of what these fellas probably look like right now. Tip: If you’re one of those dirty buggers so into weight-lifting women that you have a parade of muscular beauties on your PC as wallpaper you can always lie to people and tell them it’s Iggy.

Yellow Snow Patrol

What can you say about Snow Patrol? Too much really, and none of it nice. The question should really be ‘What can you say about the people who buy Snow Patrol?’ because if we’re going to deflate their gassy bubble of blandness then we may as well pray for collapse of the lung that inflated it and their egos in the first place.

Arise, iTunes and its loyal suckling flock, who in all of their wisdom voted Snow Patrol’s ‘Eyes Open’ as ‘Best Alternative Album of the Year’. Unless this category is really ‘Best Alternative To Dry Shaving Your Testicles And Applying Vinegar To Soothe’ then the question begs – alternative to what?

The latest offering from Snow Patrol apparently featured in the final episode of the last season of ER. An amputation scene would be the likely visual compliment to this sing-along, but it’s far more likely to depict a surgeon hugging a widow in the rain. An appeal has been lodged to Snow Patrol by those of us at Beatmag. Chaps, if you’re reading this could you please release future material in braile format only? Thanks x

With the one and only Blackbelt Jonez

Air Pocket

Air are set to release ‘Pocket Symphony’ in March 2007, their follow up to ‘Talkie Walkie’ which sold 800,000 copies. Recorded over the past 18 months with long time producer Nigel Godrich, the album features vocals from Jarvis Cocker and Neil Hannon (Divine Comedy) as well as the Air boys themselves. The PR material for the album says, “Air once again achieve that rare supernova of artistic vision that dares to reconcile palpable, unapologetic ambience with unpretentious soulful simplicity”. Fair enough. To make things plain and simple for the laymen, we say “It’s Air. It’s gonna be good. Buy it”.

Pontins Holidays Go Dub-Step

Ah Pontin’s. For many the mere mention of the name should inspire memories of days gone by, of schedule driven holidays for the kids, directed by brightly dressed social outcasts whilst mum and dad get drunk on gin by the pool and bask in the grey hue of an English summer. However those days are long gone, and what remains of the traditional holiday camp has been put to good use of late, most recently by Dedbeat.

This year it’s the turn of BLOC to freshen up the usual proceedings with BLOC WEEKEND at Pontin’s Holiday Park, Gt Yarmouth on 23rd – 27th March 2007.
There are three Arenas: The BassBloc Arena with an emphasis on dub-step, jungle and ravecore, hence acts such as Congo Natty (AKA Rebel MC), Urban Dub, Iration Steppas DJS and Technical Itch. Arena 2 is The TecBloc with some of the more established names in tough dance music such as Luke Slater, CJ Bolland, Billy Nasty and DMX Krew. Finally, Arena 3 is The SmashBloc providing 24 hours of heavy arse -shaking from independent record labels and party crew residents like Kansas City Prophets, Mat Carter from Varial Records, Bola, Kelpe, Rebel Intelligence and Computer Controlled DJs as well as BLOC residents Joe Hart, Disco Dave, Symmetrik and Georgie Skull. Full listings and ticket info available on www.blocweekend.com.

The three day party will house 2200 gurners in private apartments with all mod cons which is nice, although how anyone with a gutful of speed is going to put the kitchen to use is anyone’s guess. The site is two hours drive from London and five mins walk from the protected Norfolk coastline so if you fancy a stroll when you can’t get to sleep after 24 hours chewing your face off take some nice walking shoes and some spare socks. Oh, and don’t shit on the beach, it’s protected by farmers with lazers and electric dogs on springs.

Don’t Panic, It’s Jamie T

You know you’ve made it big when people use your MySpace comments board as an advert forum to big themselves up and plaster flyers for their own upcoming nights all over it, hoping to hijack your adoring fan-base and hoodwink them into following like lost puppies. Measuring success in this format is unreliable because it gives the impression that Jamie T is already halfway to retirement. The reality is that despite his considerable popularity he’s yet to release an album but just in the nick of time his debut, ‘Panic Prevention’, is being released on 29th Jan 2007. The album promises to offer the listener a trip into Jamie’s chaotic blurry, boozy world that’s fuelled by plenty of Stella and non prescription pills. Not massively different to the lifestyle of many of his intended audience but the difference is Jamie T is talented enough to articulate his experience when the hangover is knocking at the door. Look out for a sponsorship with Gaviscon soon.

New Year’s Eve – Get Down In London Town

Maybe this year it’ll be wicked? Maybe this year it’ll be different? Maybe this year you won’t spend a weeks wages in a night and feel ripped off? Bollocks! It’s New Year’s Eve and it’s gonna be the same as all of the other ones so get over it. People only moan about New Year’s Eve because of their ridiculously high expectations based purely on what page of the calendar a certain day falls. Here’s a tip; treat New Year’s like a Saturday night and get on with it. If you’re not fifteen anymore you won’t get random midnight snogs by gothic birds, but fuck it, 99% of the people you’ll encounter are up for a laugh. If you’re going to bother everyone moaning how it’s all a big con, just stay in doors with your ‘Scrubs’ box-set and gorge yourself on Quality Street and greying turkey. For those, on the other hand, who are up for it you could do worse than go to Together at Turnmills (London, UK). Their music isn’t what it used to be but headliners The Chemical Brothers rarely fail to perform whether DJing or knob-twiddling and with support from Cagedbaby and Justin Robertson you should have something to talk about on the long, wet walk home. There’s also HeatNYE at Brixton Academy (London, UK) which is a bit more of a hands-in-the-air affair. Tall Pall headlines alongside Rob Tissera and the creatively named Gavyn Mytchell. When the big hand touches the little hand (like in Michael Jackson’s house) there will be fireworks of sorts with a midnight pyrotechnic show. Go dressed as a nun to either and receive absolutely no discount whatsoever. You may pull, you may get punched in the face but at least it’ll be less predictable than usual. And you’ll look pretty. Go to club websites for ticket info and for heaven’s sake enjoy it.

Pharrell Williams Live

The contrasting combo of cockiness and littleness hits the UK for a swift 3 date tour this Dec. The undoubtedly talented Pharrell Williams of The Neptunes will be cantering around stages in Manchester, Glasgow and London singing, rapping and maybe yodelling for the festive season. The gigs start early (7pm. 1900 hrs to those of you in the army) so if like many other US hip hop/urban acts he won’t do more than 40 minutes you’ll be able to do some Christmas shopping as well. Tickets are about £30 so take your binoculars to get your money’s worth or you could be clapping at the sound man. Or a wasp.

Bryan Ferry – Tour

Bryan Ferry has announced he’ll be touring this Spring, playing in “intimate theatres” across the UK. This could mean that he’ll be shrunk down to the size of a mouse and released into the woods to play in a ‘Wind In The Willows’-style clearing, performing for voles, squirrels and other furry little fellows. It may also mean that by going to one of the “intimate” gigs you are supposed to feel special. “You have been chosen by the Ferryman” he might say, and point at you. If you do have a low self-esteem, pop along to see Bryan at one of his many shows starting in March 2007. He may be about 70 now but we’re sure it’ll be great. If not you could just buy his new album released on March 5th. Or even better, just listen to Roxy Music.

Novelty Records My Arse!

Leaves are falling. The birds are flying south and the UK temperature has dropped to somewhere between ‘a-bit-cold’ to ‘better-wear-a-coat’ (thanks Global Warming… no, really). Slick and sickly adverts are all over the telly and parents nationwide are bricking it. See the snow. Hear the bells ring: “Christmas is coming, Christmas is coming”. Wait! Those aren’t bells, run for it. It’s this years’ offering of novelty Christmas records just in time to make our ears bleed Rudolph’s nose red. And that’s not snow, it’s the cocaine that made this seem like such a good idea in the first place on some awards ceremony piss up in the summer.
For those too impatient to wait for British TV’s ‘The Royle Family Christmas Special’ , Ricky Tomlinson has graciously dragged his alter ego Jim Royle into the recording studio to give us ‘Christmas my A*se!’, a “fun musical romp through the things that define Christmas for most of us”. Released on December 4th, it also has a Karaoke version in case you’re worried that your neighbors are undecided as to whether you’re a wanker or not and you’d like to help them decide. For the record, we like ‘The Royle Family’, it’s just that this song is the heartbreaking equivalent to Stevie Wonder appearing (and singing) on the ‘Wild Wild West’ video with Will Smith. Is nothing sacred? Apparently not.

Return of the Randy.

It’s unclear if the Ying and Yang of the Ying Yang Twins represent the earth’s balance between testosterone and oestrogen but we’d wager it’s unlikely and a little more one sided than that. Some sing from the heart. Some from deep within their soul. The Ying Yang Twins from their pants. Their fifth Album ‘Chemically Imbalanced’ is released in January and promises to be a hit with anyone who’d like to go to a strip club but can’t leave the house. “You go to the strip club, you see what you like and you are able to drink,” said rapper D-Roc’s enigmatically… we’re still unsure what his point is. The Ying Yang Twins are for those that like their 808 beats from the old skool and their lyrics from the Benny Hill school. Producer Wyclef (of The Fugees) told the boys to “never use someone else’s formula for your success”. That’s Wyclef. Of The Fugees. Remind us again how you built your castle Wyclef…

Andy Williams 2007 Thaw Tour

Andy Williams is the king of cool according to some sources. He does appear to have been cryogenically frozen so perhaps, like Han Solo, he’s then tipped out on to the floor in front of metaphorical Jabbas every Christmas to perform some of those silky smooth jazz numbers of his. Rather presumptuously, dates have been announced for a UK Tour in June 2007. Andy’s no spring chicken, in fact he’s entering his 204th year and it shows. He looks like a hybrid of The Golden Girls and is a bit slow on his feet but fortunately he’s been fitted with a wheel so he can zip around at speed wooing pensioners and stealing denture glue.

Crazy Frog’s Last Christmas (We Hope)

Massive eyes and generally a bit weird looking. A danger to other road users. Likely to scatter spawn at any given location. The parallels between the Crazy Frog and George Michael are unerring but apparently no coincidence. George narrowly missed the Top 10 recently, his duet with Mutya (ex Sugarbabes) entering the charts at Number 15. Rumors that both of them appearing in the video unmasked affected the sales are as yet unconfirmed but it probably didn’t help. However, George may still make it to the top of the charts because the Crazy Frog will be singing/croaking the old favorite ‘Last Christmas’ which originally peaked at Number 2 in 1984 for Wham. Released on 11th December, you know what to expect. Submerging your radio in egg nog won’t help because there’s a video and even if you paint your television black, Mick Jagger-style, there will be a ring-tone too. On the positive side, this will enable you to justify hating kids on buses without feeling like a miserable pensioner.

Diddy eats a squidy

Rap star and fashion mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs is in hot water with MTV after his latest video was banned by the station due to complaints about animal cruelty. The video for new single ‘Fish ‘n’ Fries (To Go)’ directed by award-winning director Alphonse DaPhone, depicts Diddy eating a live squid while rapping along to his lyrics. The clip is based on a recreation of the infamous scene from the Korean cult classic ‘Oldboy’ which depicts star Min-sik Choi, doing the same thing. When contacted for comments, Diddy issued the following statement: “I don’t know what all the fuss is about! The movie is Oldboy, and I’m Bad Boy, baby. It’s just like eating calamari on my yacht, player. Respect my style.” When notified, a Friends Of The Earth spokesman said, “We’ve yet to investigate these allegations, but something definitely smells fishy about this whole thing.”

Simon and Garfunkel reunited through SMS

60’s pop legends Simon & Garfunkel have patched things up again after another lengthy bout of ignoring each other, but this time they will only talk via mobile text shorthand. The duo, as famous for classic songs such as ‘Bridge Of Troubled Water’ as they are for the ongoing refusal to even exchange words off stage, say they have come to an understanding after they discovered they mutual love of text messaging. “I WONT TLK TO SIMON FACE 2 FACE, ” Art Garfunkel was quoted as saying, “HES A TSSR, BUT OVER THE TXT I DONT HAVE 2.” Paul Simon seemed to agree, “YEA, HES A COCK 2, BUT @ LST WE CN GET SR8 2 MKING MUZIK W/O SPENDING TIME 2GTHR.” The new system has worked out so well, the duo have recorded a new album called “C U LTR, IT WILL B GR8 LOL” early next year.

BEZ GOES EMO

Ex-Happy Mondays figurehead and versatile percussion player Bez, has decided to team up with Emo champions My Chemical Romance on a new project. The new supergroup called Dot Slash Top One, will see both musical forces branching out musically. Speaking via satellite from Manchester, Bez explained that the two groups seemed to click from the first meeting. “I just got tired of havin’ a laff all the time, like. And this lot might look like ponces but they’re all right.” Speaking on the phone from New Jersey, lead singer of MCR Gerard Way commented “I think people have us down as all pissing and moaning about how hard life is. But, why can’t they just leave us alone, huh? It’s so unfair!” Dot Slash Top One hope to hit the studio recently and Way believes they will surprise fans with their output, “We can’t wait to show the world how we can party, and Bez will really bring something special to the mix. His maraca work is deeper than it’s ever been, it will blow some minds!”

Rap superstar Nelly has revealed he is undergoing hypnosis to overcome his fear of mice. “Man. Look at those things. They’re vicious, man, they’ll rip you apart if you let ’em!” Nelly stated at a recent press conference, “I’m a hustler, I’m from the street, man. But I hate those meeces to pieces, yo!”

The Cure’s lead singer Robert Smith has been discharged from an LA hospital after suffering major burns. The ‘80s Goth Rock icon suffered the burns on the aptly-named Sunset Strip last week. Commenting on the incident, Smith said “I don’t know what happened. I opened my door and went outside for the first time in years. Apparently there’s this big orange, hot thing in the sky during the day in LA. I think it’s called ‘The Sun’ or something.”

Megastar Shakira is being sued by angry fans at a recent Paris concert. The fan’s were incensed at the lack of underarm and leg hair on the Latin pop-star. While the Columbian superstar had no comment at press time, a spokesman for the fans bringing the class action claimed, “It was disgusting. We were deeply offended. Hips don’t lie? But, zoot allore, other parts of our beloved Shakira did that night!”

Remake fever continues to grip Hollywood as the latest news is that filmmaker Michael Bay is set to remake Steven Spielberg’s shark classic Jaws. “It’s been 30 years since the original movie,” Bay said recently, “It’s time to bring it up to date. I’m trying to persuade Aphex Twin to do the score.” Look for Jaws: Jump The Shark in 2008.

SC-FI OF THE LAMBS

Author Thomas Harris has announced plans for the latest chapter in the saga of his cannibal aesthete creation Dr Hannibal Lecter. After the novel and film success of ‘Silence Of The Lambs’, ‘Hannibal’ and ‘Red Dragon’ (the latter filmed twice), the next book and cinema release will coincide in Autumn 2007. Harris has said that he has been heavily influenced by the ‘Friday The Thirteenth’ sequel ‘Jason X’ where psychopathic killer Jason Vorhees is transported into space many centuries hence. “Lecter has done as much as he can in contemporary society and I felt we needed to widen the canvas,” Harris told Time Out New York, “I wanted to see how Hannibal would deal with giant robots, Daleks and aliens made entirely of fungus.” Sir Anthony Hopkins has already to signed up to reprise the role of Lecter with Jodie Foster as Space Commander Clarisse Starling and Anita Dobson as Queen Kroton of Nebula Seven. The working title of the project is ‘Cannibal Chaos Beyond The Ring Of Saturn’.

THE ODD COUPLE

The ghosts of Hollywood character actor Walter Matthau and reggae icon Peter Tosh are to collaborate on a new album which will be made up of both cover versions and original material. A medium spokesman for Peter Tosh’s spirit world persona told reporters in Kingston, Jamaica, “Peter has been manifesting for a number of years with this idea but only recently managed to convince Island Records executives that he was capable of maintaining a presence. Walter became involved at a later date and, as well as playing ectoplasmic jazz saxophone on three tracks, he sings on five numbers.” Using specially adapted microphones, producers at a studio in Miami were able to record Tosh’s vocals, although Tosh is rumoured to have rejected his usual reggae styling in favour of a Bryan Ferry-esque croon. The first single will be a cover of Falco’s 1985 hit ‘Rock Me Amadeus’.

DENZEL’S FLOWER POWER

Denzel Washington is funding a campaign to make the Barbara Streisland/Neil Diamond song ‘You Don’t Bring Me Flowers’ the American National Anthem. Washington has pledged $45 million of his own money to The No Flowers Trust which is committed to a more romantic America. “America has been in the doldrums long enough,” Washington exclusively told Beatmag from his Beverley Hills penthouse, “and it’s not just about foreign policy issues and George W, it’s about the way couples have no time for love anymore. Love needs nurturing – why not buy your sweetheart a bunch of roses before it’s too late.” Washington’s next film is believed to be an adaptation of the novel ‘Me And My Zebra’ which will deal with a number of the issues that the NFT has raised, including the quandary of who retains custody of the pets after a divorce.

DJ Danny Howells is to retire from the decks to concentrate on his guinea pig import business.

Glastonbury Festival organizer Michael Eavis has sprouted wings and has set off on a trans-Atlantic flight.

Brian Eno is to appear in drag in a new Spongebob Squarepants movie entitled ‘SS II: The Phantasm Genocide’

Bob Geldorf is to join ageing boy band Men 2Gether for a reunion tour of Venezuela.

Police have warned clubbers to stay away with a new variety of ecstasy called Swans that cause users teeth become rubberized.

NB: All the above information should be regarded with excessive skepticism due to its fallacious nature.