50 Cent: Blood On The Sand (Xbox 360, PS3)
Nah, I don’t give a FUCK, if this game be old as dirt! I couldn’t just let my nigga Fiddy drop some new game knowledge without spittin’ ‘bout that shit, yo! My nigga done it again, yo! He’s a prophet and an ambassador for the world, and shit…. (more…)
Saints Row 2 (Xbox 360, PS3)
Fuck GTA IV! That’s right, let’s get that shit outta the way right up front. Yeah, Saints Row 2 is like GTA IV, except for the part where it’s not boring as fuck! (more…)
Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi looks at the gaming highlights of 2007
Halo 3
(Xbox 360)
I waited 3 years for this game! Three fucking years of waiting, playing Halo 2 online till 2 in the morning and getting fucking ‘pwned’ by 12 year-old from fucking Kentucky or Alabama or some other dumbass US backwater. So, I got Halo 3 now, bitches! It’s gonna be a whole new fucking ball of wax now! YEAH! Bring it!!! …What? …Huh? It’s happening all over again! Noooooooooooo! I’m getting my ass kicked again by some squealing 12 year-old little bitch from Kentucky! (more…)
GTA IV
(Xbox 360, PS3)
This is it! The game your ass has been waiting for! You can’t live without this game, dawg! Hell nah… you got to get it first day it comes out, unless you some kind of square bitch! That’s exactly what I did, yo, I rushed out to Toys R Us at 9am and waited around with bunch of other not-sad-at-all geek… er, I mean GANGSTAS! Word! We all stood there looking at the floor and shit with that mean grill that shot you that look, like “Hell no, I ain’t queuing for no motherfuckin’ video game. Nah… I’m here to buy, er, a Hot Wheels for my nephew, fool.” Yeah, you could cut the atmosphere with a big-old fuckin’ knife, son! (more…)
This month harks the return of our star games reviewer, 8 year old Noah Mallassi, the true king of the joypad…
For my birthday I got a Nintendo Wii! My Dad tricked my by saying that they were impossible to get anywhere in the world, but then when I woke up on my birthday he had one for me! I almost exploded! But, I had to play the games all day first before I could explode… (more…)
With Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi
Def Jam: Icon
(Xbox 360 / PS3)
Def Jam: Icon
(Xbox 360 / PS3)
Yo, streets is watchin’, son! See being as I’m a successful rapper and shit; when I ain’t stacking my papers, sitting pretty in my crib on the hill or generally staying as far away from the ‘hood that made my ass rich in the first place, I like nothing better than whuppin’ another over-paid, so-called gangsta rappers ass, yo! That what this game is all about, partner! Us rappers is as tough as we say we are in our music, son! (more…)
Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi lets his 7 1/2 – year old son Noah take the hot seat.
Ultimate Marvel Alliance
(Xbox 360 / Nintendo DS/ PSP / Playstation)
My Dad loves comics even though he’s much older than me, he has millions of them and I think he reads them under the covers when he’s supposed to be asleep too. He loves superheroes so I love them too. They are all like BISH and BAM and SLAM! (more…)
Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi goes on a sweaty three day bender with some aliens, crashes some cars and introduces R Kelly to Clark Kent
Gears Of War
(Xbox 360)
See, all this waiting for presents at Christmas shit, it’s for the birds! I’m feelin’ way too balller to play that shit, son! Nah, my girl dropped an Xbox 360 on me early… cause that’s how gangsta we roll, kid. You, smell me, yo? …Yeah, that’s the smell of me when I‘ve been playing this game for three days straight without a bath… sorry ‘bout that. Gears Of War is as addictive as a motherfucker and just the kind of game to make you feel like a real man (even if you’re really a big wimp like me). (more…)
Beatmag Games guru thrashes Husky Rescue at cyber-golf, chops up a Lego Jawa and tells the truth, even when he lies.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour ‘07
(PC / PS2 / PSP / Xbox360 / Xbox)
Oh man, this game is embarrassing! Not for me, of course, but for all the chumps that dare step to me with all that “I know how to play golf a little bit” shit! Yeah, they get served in this game like the bitches they are! My first victim, who shall remain nameless (it was my brother Amr Mallassi – two As, two, Ss and two Ls) got beat down HARD! Two rounds of humiliation and brutal defeat, all set to some wack tunes and beautiful picturesque golf course. He went off cryin’ like a pussy! (more…)
Khalid Mallassi discovers gamers’ crack, fights for the US flag and has a snooze courtsey of Dan Brown
Half-Life 2: Episode 1
(PC)
Let’s not waste any more time; this is the sequel to the BEST GAME OF ALL FUCKING TIME! You know, the one where you play as some ginger geek who has to save the world from some pesky evil, alien types. So, of course, this sequel has got to be even better, right? Fuckin-A right it is! See, when ‘Half-Life 2’ ended I felt like throwing my controller at the screen in disgust. I felt empty, alone and cheated. What do you mean the screen just freezes? What’s with all this “To Be Continued” shit!?! So they bring out the next parts of the story as separate ‘Episodes”’ and charge your ass £20 for each one as they come out. Like it was Crack or something? What’s next, your going to walking down the alley when some guy shouts, “Pssst. I got ‘Half-Life Episode 4’ right here, buddy. You know you want it…”???? Whatever, I’m sitting here in my boxer shorts, just spent 20 hours straight on this fucker and… “To Be Continued!” Fuck it! …I need another hit. (more…)
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