50 Cent: Blood On The Sand (Xbox 360, PS3)

Nah, I don’t give a FUCK, if this game be old as dirt! I couldn’t just let my nigga Fiddy drop some new game knowledge without spittin’ ‘bout that shit, yo! My nigga done it again, yo! He’s a prophet and an ambassador for the world, and shit…. And this game proves it! See some Arab bitch done stole Fiddy’s jewel-incrusted Human Skull (I hate when that shit happens!) and now Fif, and G-Unit (remember them niggas? Nah, me neither) are gonna go put a cap in his punk ass, and get it back by blasting every motherfucker in the Middle East into rubble, ya heard!?? They got the big burners, and they be shouting shit like “Fuck yeah!” and “G-g-g-g-unit, Nigga” while they shoot through schools and old people’s homes to get that fuckin’ skull back! You thought now that we got Obama in the White House that niggas were gonna change up and get on some righteous shit?? Hells to the no, son. Fif is gone keep shit as ignorant, as the last 8 years. BRUP BRUP BRUP!!!

Streetfighter IV (Xbox 360, PC, PS3, Wii)

You know how when you were a kid you’d somehow be kicked in the nuts like every week, or something? A normal day could start with your nuts not even under threat at all, just hanging low and all relaxed, then something would kick off and you’d get a swift kick in the goollies by some girl, or someone might just graze your nuts by mistake with their fist? The result was always the same: Pain! Well, now that your older, can you remember the last time you were kicked in the nuts? Nah, didn’t think so, that just doesn’t happen as you get older, does it? WELL, IT DOES WHEN YOU BUY THIS GAME!! You’ll feel like someone just Bruce Lee’d your balls, as you try to control the ugly looking characters, you’ll feel like Ronaldo just took a free kick with your family jewels, as you keep getting whipped, and you’ll feel like MC Hammer did his big trouser dance on your peanuts after you realise you just paid £40 for this shit! Save yourself the pain, don’t even go there, watch the film again instead… it’s less painful.

Afro Samurai (Xbox 360, PS3)

Bet you didn’t now this show was based on a true story, right? No? Well it’s true, every word of it. Verily, there was an African-American Samurai in feudal Japan many, many years ago, and lo did he kick much of the ass, and legend did tell that he sounded much like modern day journeyman actor and “Coolest Motherfucker on the planet” Samuel L. Jackson. All this is true, for it was written in the good books of Japanese history and made into an Anime TV series where my man Afro did relieve many mother-fornicators of their heads and their limbs with his mighty blade. All set to the classical music of the The RZA from the esteemed singers-of-song, The Wu-Tang Clan. And so it came to pass that a game of said Afro Samurai was created and it did kick much posterior, and further it allowed you to chop many heads off and relive this important moment in history as fountains of blood did fly skyward from the severed arms of your enemies. And lo it was good.

The Chronicles Of Riddick: Assault On Dark Athena (PS3, Xbox 360)

One night I dreamed that I was Vin Deisel, I was cool as a motherfuckin’ cucumber, and I was like playing Riddick in Pitch Black. Except I wasn’t acting and shit, nah I WAS Riddick, ok? I was all “Did not know who he was fuckin’ with”, and “Don’t you cry for Johns, don’t you dare.” And “I’m a bad ass, all bald and musclebound, ok?” but it wasn’t a dream, it was all a beautiful true thing. I was Riddick, I really did carry around some cool ass knives and guns that I could kill anyone fool enough to get in my way ! I escaped from prisons, flew spaceships, and killed everyone who looked at me funny. And I could see in the dark with my cool silver eyes… And then I woke up in the real world, in hospital after walking out in front of a bus at 4am in the morning in the dark. Oh well, it was a good dream, while it lasted.

Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ

Saints Row 2 (Xbox 360, PS3)

Fuck GTA IV! That’s right, let’s get that shit outta the way right up front. Yeah, Saints Row 2 is like GTA IV, except for the part where it’s not boring as fuck! I don’t wanna drive around, avoiding the police all surreptitious like… nah, I wanna drive with my seat back and my uzi hanging out the window, son! I don’t wanna take my girlfriend out bowling or playing darts or some other lame shit… I wanna be all CLACK-CLACK-CLACK, nigga!! I don’t wanna be a realistic Russian gangster.. fuck that! I wanna be a gun-totting, gold-grill-havin’, bitch-slappin, cop-killin’, ghetto-blasting bad motherfucker that will put a cap in your ass in a hot minute!!! . In other words, I wanna be a stereotype , and this joint lets me do all that and more!!! BRUK! BRUK! BRUK!!!!

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Call Of Duty: World At War (Xbox 360, PC, PS3, Wii)

This game stole my life! Well not this one, but ‘Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare’ did! It also stole my girlfriend and stole all my sleep. What, you didn’t see that shit on Crimewatch? They did a mock up of it’s face, but those things never look right so that bastard got away with it’s crime of making me play it every fuckin’ night for a year! So, now they bring out a new Call Of Duty game which is probably going to steal my cats, change the locks to my house and lock me in a cupboard somewhere where I can’t meet any real people and I only get let out on a leash to play the damn game. Hell no! That shit just ain’t happening! I’m not being sucked in again. I ain’t buying this game, no way, no how… But, I have challenged it to a knife fight in the streets to win back my life!

Left 4 Dead (Xbox 360, PC, PS3)

Look, we’ve been through this shit before: I AIN’T NO PUSSY! Okay, glad we got that shit straight from the get-go… cause this game is scarying the fuck out of me and making me scream like a little bitch!!!! It’s all about staying alive in a zombie-infested urban nightmare, and not the slow, shambling all symbolic-and-shit-type zombies either… nah, these fuckers come screaming at you faster than Usian Bolt on crack! I ain’t playin’ with you, man, I took a dump in my draws a few times I ain’t even ashamed to say… Ahem. The worst part, is you can play this shit online with three other people, all of you fighting the zombie horde at once. All of you screaming like bitches all at the same time when a gang of zombie come leaping at you. I’m telling you there ain’t no uglier sound than four grown adults screaming like little girls all at the same time. That shit will chill you to the bone. Brrrrrrrr… look, I don’t even want to talk about it, ok?!!

Singstar: ABBA (PS2, PS3)

Oh god, the pain! Make! It! Stop! Fuck Abba and their power-pop bullshit! Favoured by a billion housewives, played at a trillion hen parties and a billion-gazillion wedding parties! ABBA must die! We shouldn’t be celebrating this shit, we should round up Agnetha, Björn, Benny and the other chick for crimes against humanity at The Hague! Don’t try to tell me it’s just harmless music that’s supposed to make you feel good and shit.. nah, The Pussycat Dolls is that, these motherfuckers are pure, putrid evil. They say the Devil has all the best tunes, right? Well he’s also got all of ABBA’s shit on repeat in hell all day long while he flays skin off sinners for enternity. Kill me now!!! Please!… but, first I got to have one more shot at nailing “Money Money Money” while I’m still drunk enough….

Gears Of War 2 (Xbox 360)

Yo, the manly men are back. This game is about real men, men with massive muscles, small heads and big fucking guns!!! Yeah, this all about huge, meaty men shooting aliens and looking all manly as they do it and shouting manly things as they do it. Manly phrases like “Get back in your hole!” and “How you like that, huh?” fly about in a manly way as they plug sweaty aliens with their massive weapons. No, it’s not homoerotic in any way, got that? This is full-bloodied, manly action of the manly variety that is played by spotty teenagers in a manly fashion, so there! This game is powered by adrenaline, testosterone and is only be played with other men online or even with your buddy on your sofa. Non-red meat eating mummy’s boys need not apply. Hell no, this is manly and macho and… just plain for MEN ONLY! Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!

Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ

Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi looks at the gaming highlights of 2007

Halo 3
(Xbox 360)

I waited 3 years for this game! Three fucking years of waiting, playing Halo 2 online till 2 in the morning and getting fucking ‘pwned’ by 12 year-old from fucking Kentucky or Alabama or some other dumbass US backwater. So, I got Halo 3 now, bitches! It’s gonna be a whole new fucking ball of wax now! YEAH! Bring it!!! …What? …Huh? It’s happening all over again! Noooooooooooo! I’m getting my ass kicked again by some squealing 12 year-old little bitch from Kentucky! No matter how slick I think I am with my guns and all my jumping around, some motherfucker walks right up to me and blasts me with a shotgun! Again and again and again… and again!! What the fuck!?! This game sucks! All of you suck! I’m never playing again… I’ve unplugged my Xbox 360 now! Nah nah nah, you can’t hurt me any more. Who’s laughing now, huh?

Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
(PC, PS3, Xbox 360)

BOOM! PLOW! BOOM BOOM BOOOSH! KA-BLAM! KA-WOOOOOSH! ZING ZING, ZIG-A-ZIG-AH! THIS IS ONE LOUD MOTHERFUCKIN’ GAME, SON! THAT’S WHY I’M SHOUTING, DOG! CAUSE WAR AIN’T JUST HELL, YO; IT’S LOUDER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER TOO! I AIN’T PLAYIN, MAN, THERE’S MAD BULLETS FLYIN’ BY MY HEAD, CRAZY-LOUD EXPLOSINS AND SHIT TRYING TO BLOW MY ASS UP AND HELICOPTERS CRASHING INTO SHIT… A LOT!!! MAN, JUST IMAGINE IF REAL WAR WAS THIS DANGEROUS, HUH? SHEEET, NO WAY, RIGHT? PEOPLE COULD GET KILLED IN THIS SHIT, MAN! IT’S WAY TOO DANGEROUS AND STUPID TO BE DOING, RIGHT?!?! NO ONE WOULD DO THIS SHIT FOR ALMOST FIVE FUCKING YEARS IN IRAQ WHILE WE KICK BACK AND PLAY A LOUD ASS GAME ABOUT IT?! NAH, THAT’S JUST FUCKING CRAZY!!!

John Woo’s Stranglehold
(Nintendo Wii)

What the fuck is that title all about?! What’s does is even mean? This is a sequel to the classic John Woo film ‘Hard Boiled’ with my boy Chow Yun-Fat all digitized and shit with his two-guns-blazing-and-shit. But, that title is ill! Is this a game for people that want to get all kinky with Mr. Woo? It’s all wrong! He’s only, like, only 4 foot nothing and shit! He’d have to jump up on a box while you wait for him so he can get his stranglehold on you! What the fuck?!?! Anyway, this game kicks (or strangles!) all kind of ass! You can shoot anything, you can jump around and shoot anyone at the same time and even slide down the stairs while capping motherfuckers! All while gangs of white doves flap around you and make you look all mean and deep and shit. And you can blow up everything in your way… including melons, which is always a good look. Ain’t no strangling in it though…

PES 2008 (Pro Evolution Soccer 7)
(DS, Wii , PC, PS2, PS3, PSP, Xbox 360)

No it ain’t Dawn Of The Dead on a football pitch again. The game is the same old shit, nothing’s changed, it looks like the same shit you paid £50 for last year. The Zombie-eyed computer players on the screen ain’t what’s offending me this time. Hell no! This time it’s the fucking music on the menus! That is the worst euro-house / trance-rave bullshit I’ve ever heard! It sucks a nut for real! It’s so offensive to my ears that I want to actually pick up a REAL ball and kick it straight into the motherfuckin’ TV just to kill that shit forever! Oh, shit… the pain! I can’t get it out of my head. It hurts too much! I hate the deaf fucker who composed the music, I hate the assholes that played it and I’ve got a special bullet for the people that actually let the game go out like this! Who says video games don’t cause violence in real life? The do! When the music sends you fuckin’ postal like this, they do! Aaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!

Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ

GTA IV
(Xbox 360, PS3)

This is it! The game your ass has been waiting for! You can’t live without this game, dawg! Hell nah… you got to get it first day it comes out, unless you some kind of square bitch! That’s exactly what I did, yo, I rushed out to Toys R Us at 9am and waited around with bunch of other not-sad-at-all geek… er, I mean GANGSTAS! Word! We all stood there looking at the floor and shit with that mean grill that shot you that look, like “Hell no, I ain’t queuing for no motherfuckin’ video game. Nah… I’m here to buy, er, a Hot Wheels for my nephew, fool.” Yeah, you could cut the atmosphere with a big-old fuckin’ knife, son! Then the doors opened and we all ran like bastards, pushing little kids out of the way to get to the game section, where we grabbed up any copies they had then ran to the counter to pay, all while lookin’ all nonchalant and shit. Fuck yeah! Then I got the game home and… it’s the exact same game as all the other GTA games! I still can’t drive for shit, I still can’t shoot for shit and the missions are all exactly the same shit over and over! This game is for lames… glad I didn’t queue up all morning for it… shit, that would just be embarrassing, kid!

Ninja Gaiden II
(Xbox 360)

I’m one badass Ninja! There, I said it! I can swing my blades like a motherfucker and chop you legs and arms off. You, and your crew if you fuck with me. Then I can grab your arms, wave them in your face and smack the shit out of you with them, leave you standing there like that black knight in that Monty Python film all like: “It’s just a flesh wound ” and shit as you die with blood shooting out of your stumps like a motherfuckin’ BLOOD FOUNTAIN!!!! HACK, SLASH, HACK…. SPUUUUURT!!! Then, when you’re all like “This motherfucker is one bad Ninja! Maybe I really shouldn’t have insulted his stamp collection and said he was a geek,” I’ll go up-side your head with some sonic bitch-slaps that will have you weeping for your mother and then… chop your dome clean off and watch it bounce across the floor like a football. And I’ll be laughing real loud cos’ I love them violent video games and they don’t make me violent in real life! But, man, when I see you next time I’m gonna…

Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures
(PS3, Xbox, Wii, DS)

You know the drill: “No time for love, Dr Jones!” But, this is the cutest game ever! Lego men that look like Indy, Marion and Sean Connery running around and smashing each other up with whips and chains… Wait, this is coming out all wrong… That’s not what I meant to say! Anyway, you and a friend get to play as any character in any Indy film (except the new one, sadly … I liked it, so fuck you!) and solve puzzles and shit. My nine year old son, Noah loves it too. We love to play together. Well, I say “we” play, really that means he tells me what to do and orders me around. “Dad, let me do that, you’re not as good as me at this,” “No, Dad! Stand under that box so I can jump on your head and get the treasure!” “Daaaaaad, why don’t you go and make a cup of tea or something while I do this bit…” Man, we make a great team, Father and Son teaming up to… er, do Noah’s bidding! Sorry, Noah, it’s true! No, I’m not a monkey brain! Give me that controller! Who paid for this Wii anyway, huh!!!!? … “Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory… ” Just not for me! Sniff.

Games for review should be sent to Khalid at  P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ

This month harks the return of our star games reviewer, 8 year old Noah Mallassi, the true king of the joypad…

For my birthday I got a Nintendo Wii! My Dad tricked my by saying that they were impossible to get anywhere in the world, but then when I woke up on my birthday he had one for me! I almost exploded! But, I had to play the games all day first before I could explode…

Wii Sport
(Nintendo Wii)

This has got lots of games in it that you can play with other people like Tennis, Bowling, Baseball and Boxing. You wave the controller around to play them like a magic wand. I played with my Dad, Nish and my Uncle Amr, which was cool, but they kept on grabbing the controller off me so they could have a go. It’s weird, usually they are asleep in bed when I play games but this time they would not leave me alone. I whipped their butts on all the games so then they sent me to bed. The next morning when I woke up I noticed that Dad, Nish and Amr had been playing with it while I was asleep. Meanies!

The Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess
(Nintendo Wii)

I don’t even know who Zelda is but my Dad says it’s a really cool game from the olden days when he was young. I can be a really cool warrior boy in this one. I can run around and solve puzzles and I can can ride around on my horse helping people out by giving them gifts… like fish, They swap the fish for swords and bow and arrows and stuff which are much better than fish for shooting the bad guys. It’s supposed to be for 12 year old kids to play, I’m only eight but I’m not scared. Me and my horse can win any battle. It’s pretty tricky sometimes, that’s why I cheat by getting tips from the internet. You should try it when your games get too hard and boring.

Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz
(Nintendo Wii)

This is the weird game with the monkeys in glass balls in it again. You know, the one where a monkey rolls round the screen to solve puzzles. I still don’t know how the monkeys can breathe in the balls. Maybe they’re super monkeys or something. I want to be one of those monkeys because they can go really fast and never run out breath. And they wear cool clothes like dungarees and pink bow ties and stuff. They also eat bananas and I don’t like bananas as much as they do.

Sonic & The Secret Rings
(Nintendo Wii)

Sonic is still my hero. I want to get all of his games and join his fan club. Maybe I can meet him one day even though my Dad says he’s not really real. He still looks angry and he still has super cool pointy, blue hair, but now he’s in 3D so he looks even cooler because you can see all around his head. I can make him run faster than ever with my controller and when I flick my wrist he jumps up smacks the bad guys in the face till they cry like wallies. Then I can take all the rings and run and run and jump like a superhero. This is the best Sonic game ever. I still don’t now where Sonic keeps all those rings he collects. He hasn’t got any pockets because he doesn’t wear any clothes. Probably so he can run faster.

Beatmag Games guru Noah Mallassi

Games for review should be sent to Khalid at  P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ

With Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi

Def Jam: Icon
(Xbox 360 / PS3)

Def Jam: Icon
(Xbox 360 / PS3)

Yo, streets is watchin’, son! See being as I’m a successful rapper and shit; when I ain’t stacking my papers, sitting pretty in my crib on the hill or generally staying as far away from the ‘hood that made my ass rich in the first place, I like nothing better than whuppin’ another over-paid, so-called gangsta rappers ass, yo! That what this game is all about, partner! Us rappers is as tough as we say we are in our music, son! And we gets to go toe-to-toe like motherfuckin’ Tekken in this one, yo. Yeah, that’s right, niggas: this way I can keep it real by smackin’ Luda or that Andre 3000’s bitch ass up, then pick up the 26 inch rims off my new Silver Shadow and BEAT HIS ASS SOME MORE!!! Sheeeet, I could do this all day, yo! This is just how I’m livin’, son! This is how all black people be livin’, for real! Hell yeah! All we wanna do is scrap on the streets over some niggas disrespectin’ on us, son! You got to rep it to the death of you. So if this shit happens on the street (where us real rappers still visit sometimes), then you know the drill – show no motherfuckin’ mercy! Stomp that nigga the fuck out, yo!!!!

Command & Conquer: Tiberium Wars
(PC / Xbox 360)

Oh, lord, this is jut too easy! I’m the motherfucking Commander, bitches! I command all these little, itty-bitty troops in their little, itty-bitty planes and tanks, and I tell them where to go and whose ass to kick! And what they do is they run over there and fight other little men in tanks and planes and I can hear them all screaming as they die in a hail of bullets and missiles! It’s just so fucking cool!!! Now I know what it must be like to be some important motherfucker who runs the world and holds the lives of thousands of troops in my motherfucking hand! I can send my dumbass troops into any country I want, fuck the UN or any of those pussies! I can take a country over just by kicking its ass, and if my troops get killed, who gives a fuck, I’ll just press a button and I get new ones instantly. Then when we win, we’ll plant our fucking flag in the scorched earth and tell the people that they’re free at last and they will love us for it. Then we’ll take their oil, their riches and destroy their infrastructure and retire to a nice safe fortress in the middle of their country. And they’ll blow the shit out of each other while we laugh and play cards and shit. Shame this can’t happen in real life. That would so RULE!!!

Worms
(Xbox 360 Live Arcade)

Let’s get something fucking straight before we kick this shit off. See, I’d never played Worms before – I’m too old for that shit. You control some cute army worms that throw grenades at each other and shit, and generally kill each other a lot. But, my girl was all like “Let’s download Worms from Xbox Live, it’s awesome, you’ll love it, baby.” And I was all like, “Ok.” So then we’re like, playing the game and she was all like BOOM BOOM BOOM, blowing my worms up and shit and I was all like, “Ouch, stop blowing my worms up. How do you play this stupid game anyway?” But, she wouldn’t listen, she was all like “Take that! Boom! Ha ha, another one of your worms is dead, bitch.” …Soon, I was like, “Fuck this stupid game is stupid and I hate it, ” and she was still like, “In you face, bitch! Take it like a man, punk!” After about 3 hours of getting my ass whipped, I was like. “I’m really tired now, baby, shall we go to bed now?” And she was all like… “Pussy!” This game sucks, don’t play it with your girlfriend.

Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ

Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi lets his 7 1/2 – year old son Noah take the hot seat.

Ultimate Marvel Alliance
(Xbox 360 / Nintendo DS/ PSP / Playstation)

My Dad loves comics even though he’s much older than me, he has millions of them and I think he reads them under the covers when he’s supposed to be asleep too. He loves superheroes so I love them too. They are all like BISH and BAM and SLAM! I like being Spider-man because he rocks and he can fire spider’s webs into the bad guys’ teeth so they can’t eat any more and have to give up. I also like Iron Man because he’s, like a man in a tin can who can fly and shoot things a lot. And there’s a big Dragon you have to fight called Fin Fang Foom which is a stupid name for a dragon.

Loco Roco
(PSP)

Ahhh. This is the cutest game ever! You’re, like, this little blob that rolls down hills like a little pebble of poo and you have to dodge things and bounce and bounce and bounce some more. Then when your little bit of poo hits other bit they all roll into each other until you are one giant rolling poo and you can crush all the baddies. It’s so cool. The music is so cool too… I have to turn it up really loud so it pops my ears.

Sonic Rivals
(PSP)

Sonic is still the coolest! He still runs really fast and round and round and he still has really cool blue hair like a rock star, but all over his body. He has this really cool face that looks like he’s always angry even when he’s not. I like Shadow The Hedgehog too. He’s in this game, but my Dad thinks he’s a bad guy so I’m not allowed to play as him. You have to race people in this game. I’m the fastest. It’s just like school except no one falls over and grazes their knees and cries like a baby. And no boring maths lessons either.

Viva Piñata
(Xbox 360)

I like doing gardening. I don’t like washing up. That’s OK, because there’s no washing up in this game. You have to make a garden by planting seeds and making flowers grow. When your garden looks good lots of cute animals come to visit, then they do a mating dance to funky music and make little baby animals. My Dad thinks it makes no sense at all, but I love making animals dance and making little baby animals. I like playing it while everyone is asleep or doing the washing up.

Superman Returns
(Nintendo DS / Xbox 360 / PS 2 / PSP / Xbox)

This game rocks! I watched Superman The Movie and Superman II for the first time last week. They were so cool! But, I still don’t understand how Superman made Lois Lane forget he was Clark Kent just by giving her a snog. And, how did he make the world go backwards so time went backwards so she didn’t die? And, why was that man in the restaurant mean to Superman? Couldn’t he see that he’d lost his powers? Why did he beat him up? So mean. Anyway, it this game you can fly really high then come down really fast and smack baddies with a super slap to the bum.

Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ

Beatmag Games guru Khalid Mallassi goes on a sweaty three day bender with some aliens, crashes some cars and introduces R Kelly to Clark Kent

Gears Of War
(Xbox 360)

See, all this waiting for presents at Christmas shit, it’s for the birds! I’m feelin’ way too balller to play that shit, son! Nah, my girl dropped an Xbox 360 on me early… cause that’s how gangsta we roll, kid. You, smell me, yo? …Yeah, that’s the smell of me when I‘ve been playing this game for three days straight without a bath… sorry ‘bout that. Gears Of War is as addictive as a motherfucker and just the kind of game to make you feel like a real man (even if you’re really a big wimp like me). You got big ass guns, big ass explosions and lots of big ass musclemen with guns standing around and chatting in a not-very-homoerotic-way (honest) while they’re not shooting the fuck out of stuff. The graphics are off the scale as you blast the enemy to chunks with your big ‘ol gun and nothing beats bitch-slapping evil aliens with a chainsaw through the head! Just, you know, as a warning, of course. That’ll teach them. Time to have a bath… after this last go… Has anyone seen my girlfriend?!?!…

Project Gotham Racing 3
(Xbox 360)

Yeah, yeah, I know this game aint new, it’s old as shit, but I just got it free with the console so fall the fuck back! Anyway, this is the MOST BORING RACING GAME EVER MADE!!! Fuck this game, it’s bullshit on a stick. It’s got lots of cars to pick from and shit, which is all well and good until you try to play the fucker. You basically start your car up, rev the engine and start flying straight down the track looking at the graphics whizz by while going “Oooooooo” and “Aaaaaah” and shit like that… then you get to the bend and… YOU’RE CRASHING INTO A FUCKING WALL LIKE A FUCKING ANIMAL!!! Fuck that! But, you ain’t no bitch so you straighten out your car and go at it again. Then… YOU CRASH AT THE NEXT FUCKING TURN!!! AND AGAIN!!! AND A- FUCKIN-GAIN!! Rinse and repeat for 2 hours to the built in bullshit house music soundtrack, and you’ll be throwing your new Xbox 360, your TV, your pets and anything in site out the fucking window in anger! Screw this game and the non-turning-round-corners horse it rode in on! AAAAAARRGGGGGHH!!

Superman Returns: The Video Game
(PS2 / Xbox / Xbox 360/ PC / PSP / Wii)

I believe I can fly… I believe I can touch the sky… I think about it every night and day… Spread my wings and fly away… I believe I can soar… see me running through that open door… If you just felt a twinge of pain there, you can’t imagine the pain I felt playing this fucking game! See, apparently I can fly. No, really! And my girl can fly… even my seven year old son can fly… compared to this lame ass game we can all fly like a motherfucker. It sucks so hard it’s fuckin’ inside-out! Superman is one of my favourite super-heroes, but in this game he’s just a big, blue fairy! He flies like a chump, fights chumps and just looks like a chump crashing into buildings when he’s supposed be, you know, SUPERMAN AND SHIT!!! Instead he looks like an idiot which makes you look like an idiot, which is just not a good look. Look up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane… no, it’s Superman flying ass-first into the bargain bin like a bitch!

(Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ)

Beatmag Games guru thrashes Husky Rescue at cyber-golf, chops up a Lego Jawa and tells the truth, even when he lies.

Tiger Woods PGA Tour ‘07
(PC / PS2 / PSP / Xbox360 / Xbox)

Oh man, this game is embarrassing! Not for me, of course, but for all the chumps that dare step to me with all that “I know how to play golf a little bit” shit! Yeah, they get served in this game like the bitches they are! My first victim, who shall remain nameless (it was my brother Amr Mallassi – two As, two, Ss and two Ls) got beat down HARD! Two rounds of humiliation and brutal defeat, all set to some wack tunes and beautiful picturesque golf course. He went off cryin’ like a pussy! Next up, one of the bands on my label, Husky Rescue came all the way from Finland to get they asses wupped! Yeah, they made up some shit about coming here for a UK tour… Bullshit! They came to test me on the golf course. SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! They all got bitchslapped and left crying into their mullets. So, what have we learnt, kids? That’s right, don’t fuck with me on Tiger Woods PGA Tour ’07. Class dismissed.

Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy
(PS2 / Xbox / Xbox 360/ PC / GC / DS)

Uncle George is back to steal more of our motherfuckin’ money! And this time he’s bringin the force of the mighty Lego empire with him… again! But… stop the fuckin’ press! This game is actually petty hot, so we’ll let George get a little richer just this once. You can be any of the characters from the first three Star Wars films… you know the good ones, not those bullshit Prequels! No Jar-Jar Bitch here… uh uh, not on my my fuckin’ watch! You can be Luke, Han, Darth or whatever (you can be Lando though, dog, I ain’t fuckin’ with that fool!) as long as you’re a Lego version. There’s no better feeling than slicing a lego Jawa to pieces with your Lego lightsaber or throwing C3-PO slightly-effeminate ass across the room with your Lego force power… believe me! The Force is strong with this one… or some shit like that.

Scarface: The World Is Yours
(PS2 / Xbox / Xbox 360/ PC /)

I told you a long time ago, you fuckin’ monkey not to fuck me, and don’t make any more film tie-ins, mun! Well you stupid fuck, look at you now, huh, you makin’ these fuckin’ hasser games that don’t fly straight. Jou wanna waste my time? Okay. I play this fuckin’ game for fun, mun! You put players into this game, to be like me, but they can’t be like me, mun! I’m Tony Montana! You fuck wit me, you fuckin’ wit da best! Eh, fuck you, man! Who put this thing together? Me, that’s who! Who do I trust? Me! I bury those cock-a-roaches. The world is mine! Why don’t jou try stickin’ jou computer up jour ass — see if it fits. Me, I always tell the truth–even when I lie. So say goodnight to the bad guy. Come on; the last time you gonna see a bad guy like this, let me tell ya. Come on, make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through; you better get outta his way! Say ‘ello to my little friend! …

(Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ)

Khalid Mallassi discovers gamers’ crack, fights for the US flag and has a snooze courtsey of Dan Brown

Half-Life 2: Episode 1
(PC)

Let’s not waste any more time; this is the sequel to the BEST GAME OF ALL FUCKING TIME! You know, the one where you play as some ginger geek who has to save the world from some pesky evil, alien types. So, of course, this sequel has got to be even better, right? Fuckin-A right it is! See, when ‘Half-Life 2’ ended I felt like throwing my controller at the screen in disgust. I felt empty, alone and cheated. What do you mean the screen just freezes? What’s with all this “To Be Continued” shit!?! So they bring out the next parts of the story as separate ‘Episodes”’ and charge your ass £20 for each one as they come out. Like it was Crack or something? What’s next, your going to walking down the alley when some guy shouts, “Pssst. I got ‘Half-Life Episode 4’ right here, buddy. You know you want it…”???? Whatever, I’m sitting here in my boxer shorts, just spent 20 hours straight on this fucker and… “To Be Continued!” Fuck it! …I need another hit.

Full Spectrum Warrior: Ten Hammers
(PS2 / Xbox / Xbox 360/ PC / GC / DS)

Now listen up, soldier. You’re in the army now! You’re the U.S. Army, the best goddam army in the goddam World, defending the best goddam country on God’s green earth. You will live for the army, you will fight for the army and you will die for the flag. But, you won’t die in this game. No, Sir. In this game you will be a goddam U.S. Marine or a kick-ass, hoo haa U.S. Ranger on the glorious modern field of battle! You will use all the latest tactics to smack the taste out of the mouths of those pesky insurgents in Iraq and Afganistan! But, you won’t do it alone, hell no! You will have your squad with you at all goddam times. They will be your eyes and your ears and they will never stop fighting til they fight is done… or get hurt… at all. Cause they got the power of God at their back, and God loves Americans. And the power of God will be manifested in the most powerful array of military hardware known to man! This game is based on real life combat and we all know that America always wins and kicks ass and takes names. Exactly.

The Da Vinci Code: Official Game Of The Movie
(PS2 / Xbox / Xbox 360/ PC / GC / DS)

The Da Vinci Code is the game based… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Huh? What? Oh sorry, like I was saying, this is the official gam- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Oh, oh, sorry about that, must have dozed off. Don’t understand it, I’ve had a relaxing weekend playing The Da Vinci Code game so there’s no reason I should be tired at all. Anwway… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. Oh shit, drifted off again. Sorrry, I was trying to solve the puzzle where… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… What? Luckily the cats woke me up by licking my face while I crashed on the living room floor playing The Da… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Wait! Wait Wait! This is supposed to be a game, right? You’re supposed to do something in it, right? You’re not just supposed to do… nothing! Nothing. At. All. Except maybe watch bad computer actors talk to each other about the secret of the The Da Vinci… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I’d rather watch fucking Countdown or Gardners Weekly! Fuck it, this game is bullshit and it’s the best cure for insomnia ever created. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Games for review should be sent to Khalid at P.O. Box 3365, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 1WQ