So, here’s my question:
What’s wrong with you? Seriously. No – don’t start that. Never mind what’s wrong with me. We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you. YOU. It’s home truths time. Realising your responsibilities, facing the music, taking it on the chin and asking for seconds time. If you learn one thing today, you’re going to learn that. So pin ‘em back and start listening, or you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. (more…)
Top 5
Things I remember about living in Saudi Arabia
Being Nicked
The houses my friends and I lived in were all detached, but with shared walls separating the boundaries of the gardens. As everything was built on a US-style grid plan, it meant that the nimbler members of the gang were more than happy to follow my suggestion, one bored afternoon, that we discover how far away from my back garden we could get without touching the floor. (more…)
Maverick scribbler Tim Wild reviews… things
This month – Top 5 Rejected Top 5s
Top 5 Albums I’m Supposed To Know About But Don’t
While the list of seminal, world-changing albums I’ve never heard is certainly of an impressive length, this idea bit the dust fairly quickly. I’d made all my limp jokes about musical bores (real ale, Taliban-style denunciations of people who don’t treat their vinyl properly etc) within the first three sentences, then I realised that apart from ‘Blood on the Tracks’ by Dylan, I don’t even know the names of most of the albums I’m vaguely guessing other people regard as classics. (more…)
This month – Moments I relive in the dark night, unable to forget
The Hairdressers
I despise barbers and hairdressers of all kinds. Youthful humiliation seemed always to be order of the day, but this one incident still haunts me particularly. My Mum, ever-practical, booked me a haircut in her own favoured salon, which happened to be the pinkest, most feminine establishment in town. (more…)
This month – the top five people I’ve always wanted to bump into but would probably make such a twat of myself if I did that I’d regret the experience for ages.
Stephen Fry
Not just because he’s really clever, and quite famous, and funny, but because he seems like a really nice man, doesn’t he? The kind of man that would put up with my fame-addled prattling for a good deal longer than most celebs and be polite about it too. In my head, when we meet, he’s quietly impressed with my erudition, with perhaps a wry chuckle at the obvious gaps in my reading and education, and foots the bill for an impressively expensive bottle of wine in J.Sheeky after an enjoyable evening of repartee and indiscreet celebrity anecdotes. I, having wowed the table with one last memorable zinger, finally have to make my excuses and leave.
Bye Stephen! (more…)
This month – the top five people who must die if humanity is to make any progress at all
My Neighbour
I’m talking about the bearded (but strangely unmoustachioed) Serbian bloke who lives a few doors down the road and whose fucking kids run about in the street with their crappy broken toys screaming their little heads off at all hours of the night when all I’m trying to do is get the baby to sleep and catch a bit of ‘Desperate Housewives’ whilst simultaneously drowning myself in Jacobs Creek and hoping to exchange a civilised word with my intended wife before she falls asleep on my lap. The revolution’s coming, and he’s first. (more…)
This month – The top 5 reasons to get fired
You’re not really that important
The dishwashing gig has begun to go sour. Having begun in a blitz of cheeky good humour and hard work, the relentless grease, detergent, heat and smoke have fogged your adolescent brain and dulled your spirit. The previous week, you have disobeyed the only clear instruction the boss gave you, and allowed a chunky piece of carrot to block the sink, flooding the service area on a busy Friday and earning you the displeasure of a waitress. (more…)
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